Should You Cut Off Your Parents? A Psychologist Explains When Boundaries Are Better Than No Contact
Family relationships can be some of the most meaningful—and most painful—connections we have.
In recent years, conversations around going "no contact" with parents have become increasingly common. Social media is full of advice encouraging people to cut off family members who have hurt them. For many, that advice feels validating after years of feeling misunderstood or emotionally wounded.
But is cutting someone off always the healthiest choice?
On a recent episode of the A Little Help For Our Friends podcast, Dr. Kibby McMahon sat down with psychologist Dr. Amy Todey to explore one of the most difficult questions families face:
When should we create distance, and when is repair still possible?
The conversation offers a perspective that challenges the increasingly common idea that difficult relationships should automatically end.
Why Are So Many Families Becoming Estranged?
Every generation believes they're parenting differently than the one before them. But according to Dr. Todey, something about today's cultural moment feels different.
Previous generations often disagreed with how they were raised, but many still maintained relationships with their parents. Today, disagreements are increasingly leading to complete estrangement.
Part of the reason is that our understanding of healthy relationships has evolved.
Older generations often expressed love by providing, sacrificing, and enduring hardship. Emotional conversations weren't always common, and many parents believed resilience came from learning to tolerate discomfort.
Younger generations tend to place greater emphasis on emotional validation, boundaries, accountability, and mental health awareness.
Neither perspective is entirely wrong.
The challenge is that these different values can leave families feeling like they're speaking completely different languages.
Boundaries Are Not the Same Thing as Cutting Someone Off
One of the biggest misconceptions discussed in the episode is the idea that boundaries exist to control another person's behavior.
Healthy boundaries actually do something different.
They define what we will do when someone behaves in a way that isn't healthy for us.
For example:
Instead of saying:
"You need to stop criticizing me."
A healthier boundary might be:
"If our conversation becomes critical or insulting, I'm going to end the conversation and we can try again another time."
Notice the difference.
The goal isn't punishment.
The goal is protecting both yourself and the relationship.
As Dr. Todey explains, boundaries should ideally preserve connection—not destroy it.
Can Someone Hurt You and Still Love You?
One of the most powerful ideas from the conversation is that two seemingly opposite things can both be true.
A parent may have deeply loved their child.
And they may also have caused lasting emotional pain.
Those realities don't cancel each other out.
Many adult children wrestle with questions like:
"Why do I struggle with self-esteem?"
"Why do I still hear my parent's critical voice in my head?"
"Can I acknowledge that they hurt me without believing they were a terrible person?"
Dr. Todey argues that emotional maturity often involves holding these two truths together.
Your experience is real.
Their humanity is also real.
Recognizing both doesn't excuse harmful behavior—it simply creates space for a more complete understanding of the relationship.
Does Every Hurt Relationship Require No Contact?
This is where Dr. Todey offers one of her more controversial perspectives.
Rather than asking:
"Is it okay to cut someone off?"
She encourages people to ask:
"At what cost?"
Family relationships are unique.
Parents, grandparents, siblings, and children are part of our history and identity in ways few other relationships are.
Ending those relationships can sometimes be necessary—particularly when there is ongoing danger, severe abuse, or safety cannot reasonably be maintained.
But many painful relationships don't fit neatly into those categories.
Some involve criticism.
Others involve emotional immaturity.
Some involve repeated misunderstandings or unresolved conflict.
In those situations, Dr. Todey believes boundaries, repair, and adjusted expectations are often healthier than permanent estrangement.
Forgiveness Doesn't Mean Accepting Harm
Forgiveness is often misunderstood.
Forgiving someone doesn't mean pretending nothing happened.
It doesn't mean allowing ongoing abuse.
It doesn't mean abandoning your boundaries.
Instead, forgiveness often means letting go of the belief that another person's worst moments are the entirety of who they are.
You can still decide:
what access someone has to your life
what conversations you're willing to have
what behaviors you'll no longer tolerate
Without believing they must disappear from your life forever.
What If Your Parent Still Criticizes You?
Many adults describe feeling like years of personal growth disappear after one conversation with a critical parent.
That reaction makes sense.
Old family dynamics often activate old emotional wounds.
Dr. Todey suggests remembering something important:
Someone else's criticism often says more about their own pain, history, or emotional limitations than it does about your worth.
That doesn't mean you ignore it.
It means you don't have to absorb it as truth.
A healthy response might sound like:
"I'm not willing to continue this conversation if I'm being criticized. We can talk again when we're both calmer."
This protects your emotional well-being without permanently rejecting the relationship.
What If You're the Parent?
The conversation also acknowledges something that's often missing from discussions about family conflict:
Parents are human too.
Many parents genuinely believed they were doing the best they could with the knowledge they had at the time.
That doesn't erase the pain their children experienced.
But accountability doesn't require someone to believe they're an irredeemably bad person.
A healthier response might sound like:
"I hear that what I did hurt you. That was never my intention, and I'm sorry for the pain it caused. I want to do better moving forward."
Notice what this does.
It acknowledges the child's experience.
It accepts responsibility for the impact.
And it focuses on changing future behavior rather than arguing about whose version of history is correct.
Families Don't Need Perfection. They Need Repair.
Every family has conflict.
Every parent makes mistakes.
Every child eventually hurts their parents too.
Healthy families aren't the ones that never experience conflict.
They're the ones that learn how to repair after it.
Repair requires empathy.
It requires accountability.
It requires boundaries.
And perhaps most importantly, it requires remembering that people are more than the worst thing they've ever done.
Sometimes love and hurt exist in the same relationship.
Sometimes gratitude and grief exist side by side.
Learning to hold those two truths at the same time may be one of the most important skills any family can develop.
Listen to the full conversation
If you'd like to hear the full discussion between Dr. Kibby McMahon and Dr. Amy Todey—including their conversation about generational differences, emotional validation, grandparents, boundaries, and healing family relationships—listen to the full episode of A Little Help For Our Friends.
