Breaking Free: How to Set Boundaries in Toxic Family Relationships
Setting boundaries with family members is one of the hardest things we can do, especially when those relationships involve guilt, manipulation, or toxicity. In a recent episode on “A Little Help For Our Friends,” the KulaMind podcast for people with loved ones struggling with mental health, Dr. Caitlin Fang, a clinical psychologist, shared her professional insights and personal experiences with navigating these challenges. Her advice offers practical, compassionate strategies for setting and maintaining boundaries in even the most difficult family dynamics.
The Challenges of Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries with family members often feels overwhelming. Many of us are taught that family comes first, no matter what, leaving us feeling guilty when we try to assert our own needs. Dr. Fang explained that her clients often struggle with these feelings of guilt, believing they’re failing as children if they don’t meet their parents’ demands. This guilt can feel especially strong when cultural or societal norms dictate that family harmony should come at all costs.
Toxic patterns in family relationships make things even more difficult. Some people find themselves trapped in cycles of interactions that leave them feeling attacked or criticized. Over time, this erodes self-esteem and creates feelings of helplessness, making it hard to see a way forward.
Dr. Fang’s Personal Story
Dr. Fang shared her own story to illustrate just how complicated these dynamics can be. Growing up, her mother struggled with borderline personality disorder and addiction. Her mom would call excessively—sometimes 80 times a day—often with escalating demands and suicide threats. Dr. Fang described how trapped she felt, torn between wanting to live her own life and feeling responsible for her mom’s well-being. She called it being held “emotionally hostage,” which perfectly captured the exhausting dynamic of trying to be everything for someone who constantly demands more.
What stood out was how Dr. Fang reframed this experience. Instead of focusing on the immediate guilt or fear, she thought about the long-term health of the relationship. She realized that constantly giving in to her mother’s demands would lead to burnout and resentment. To preserve the relationship, she asked herself: What can I give without losing myself?
How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Here are several strategies for setting boundaries that are both effective and compassionate:
Assess What You Can Give
The first step is reflecting on what you can realistically offer without losing yourself. Dr. Fang emphasized that sustainability is key. Asking yourself,
What can I give that allows me to stay present without burning out?” can help you clarify your capacity.
Communicate Clearly and Kindly
When introducing boundaries, explain your intentions with care. For example: “I love you and value our relationship. To make sure we can continue to have positive interactions, I need us to limit our conversations to once a week.”
Prepare for Resistance
When you first set boundaries, the other person might escalate their behavior. This called an “extinction burst,” where they push harder because the usual way of getting what they want isn’t working. Anticipating this reaction helps you stay consistent and avoid reinforcing those behaviors by giving in.
Shift Guilt into Compassion
Instead of letting guilt consume you, reframe it as compassion—for yourself and for the other person. Recognize that their pain doesn’t mean you need to sacrifice your well-being. This shift can help you hold boundaries without resentment.
Stay Consistent
Following through is essential. Inconsistency teaches the other person that they get what they want if they escalate or get more aggressive, which can reinforce unhealthy dynamics. If you say, “If you call more than three times a day, I won’t answer tomorrow,” stick to it—even if it feels hard in the moment. Remember that you may an extinction burst, so you have to stay consistent even when it gets harder in the short-term.
Rebuilding Self-Trust
Many people in toxic dynamics struggle to trust their own judgment, especially when criticized or devalued by loved ones. Focus on your values and what you find important in life instead of external validation. She suggested asking yourself: What kind of relationship do I want? What behaviors align with being a good family member in my eyes?
Building self-trust is a process, but it’s crucial for holding boundaries even when others don’t understand or approve.
Navigating Over-Disclosure and Cultural Norms
When Parents Overshare
Parents may blur boundaries by treating their children as confidants, sharing inappropriate personal details. Dr. Fang recommended addressing this calmly but firmly, stating: “I appreciate your openness, but discussing this makes me uncomfortable. Let’s talk about something else.”
Cultural Dynamics
For those from collectivist cultures, prioritizing personal well-being over family harmony can feel especially difficult. Even within these norms, it’s possible—and important—to advocate for healthier dynamics. The dynamics might look different depending on cultural values. For example, if you come from backgrounds from East Asian or other family-oriented cultures, you may want to think and express your own needs in service of the family (vs. in opposition to the family, as is more common in western individualistic cultures). If taking more space or setting boundaries means that you can live in more harmony with your family members, it might be worth it.
When the Relationship is Actively Harmful
If someone is consistently cruel, demeaning, violent or unsafe, it’s valid to question their role in your life. It’s ok okay to evaluate whether a relationship is worth maintaining. For those who choose to stay, strategies like meeting in neutral settings, in group settings with other people, limiting contact, or prioritizing self-care after interactions can help minimize harm.
Boundaries Are an Ongoing Process
Setting boundaries isn’t a one-time fix—it’s a continuous practice. While it can feel messy and imperfect, what matters is that we try. Boundaries aren’t about rejecting family; they’re about preserving relationships in a way that allows everyone to thrive.
How KulaMind Can Help
This conversation reminded me of why we created KulaMind, a mental health platform designed to support caregivers of loved ones with mental health challenges. At KulaMind, we understand how overwhelming and isolating it can feel to navigate complex family dynamics. Our support platform provides:
Coaching Support: Connect with trained professionals to guide you through setting boundaries and prioritizing your well-being, even in moments when it’s hard or you’re getting that dreaded push-back.
Self-Guided Practices: Learn skills to manage stress, guilt, and difficult emotions.
A Community of Peers: Share experiences with others who understand what you’re going through.
If you’re feeling stuck or burnt out, KulaMind is here to help you regain balance and feel empowered in your role. If you want to learn more, book a free consultation call.
Final Thoughts
Listening to this “A Little Help” episode with Dr. Fang helped me see that boundaries aren’t about shutting people out—they’re about creating relationships where both parties can thrive. If you’re struggling with family dynamics, know that you’re not alone. With patience, self-awareness, and support, it’s possible to find a path forward that honors both your well-being and your relationships.
