Gaslighting: How to Recognize, Overcome, and Heal from Emotional Manipulation
Understanding Gaslighting: A Key Strategy for Emotional Manipulation
Gaslighting—a term many of us have heard but might not fully understand—is one of the most insidious forms of emotional manipulation. Its skyrocketing popularity in our culture and social media inspired us to cover “gaslighting” on a recent episode on our podcast A Little Help For Our Friends. We explored the concept, its impact, and ways to recognize and combat it. Here are our takeaways from delving deep into this topic:
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where the perpetrator makes someone doubt their perceptions, memories, or beliefs. It’s more than just invalidating someone's feelings; it undermines their very ability to trust themselves. Gaslighting often leaves victims feeling “lost or crazy,” unable to trust their reality. The term can be traced to the 1944 movie “Gaslight,” where a husband purposefully drives his wife insane in order to control her and her wealth. He creates subtle disturbances in their environment, like making noises in the attic or dimming the infamous gaslights, and denies it when the wife brings them up, gradually undermining her own perceptions.
This tactic relies on a power imbalance. The gaslighter takes on an authoritative role, making the victim dependent on their version of reality. Whether in romantic relationships, workplaces, or systemic oppression, gaslighting exploits this dynamic to devastating effect.
Recognizing Gaslighting: Signs and Tactics
Gaslighting can take many forms, but common signs include:
Invalidation of Experiences: Statements like “You’re overreacting” or “That never happened”.
Twisting Reality: Changing the narrative of events to make the victim doubt themselves.
Personal Attacks: Shifting focus from the issue at hand to the victim’s character, e.g., “You’re too sensitive” or “You’re crazy.”
High-Stakes Manipulation: Using emotional ties—like threatening to end a relationship—to force compliance.
One member of the “A Little Help” audience shared a workplace example where speaking up about COVID-19 safety led to being labeled as "toxic" and "unprofessional." This manipulation not only invalidated their concerns but also attacked their character, a hallmark of gaslighting.
Importantly, the term “gaslighting” has been extended to situations in which people feel like their loved one doesn’t agree with them or said something defensive. While that certainly can feel painful and confusing, that is not always technically gaslighting. At its worst, gaslighting is a strategy used to intentionally undermine another person’s sense of agency and trust in oneself. Most often the strategy isn’t used intentionally, but tends to happen when one person denies their victim’s experience out of deep shame or fear of consequences. It can also happen when someone has difficulties accepting parts of reality (e.g. problematic things they’ve done) and denies them even to themselves, which can be a sign of a personality disorder.
The Psychological Impact
Gaslighting can leave lasting scars. Victims often struggle with self-doubt, difficulty trusting their judgment, and low self-esteem. Jacqueline, the co-host of “A Little Help,” shared her personal story of being gaslit in a romantic relationship. Her partner constantly shifted the rules of their relationship to suit his needs, leaving her feeling “pathetic and needy” for wanting basic commitments. Over time, this eroded her ability to trust her own instincts.
It’s a painful realization, but also an empowering one—to know it’s not your fault and there is a way forward.
Breaking Free: Tools and Tips
If you suspect you’re being gaslit, these strategies can help:
Validate Your Reality: Remind yourself that your feelings and experiences are valid, even if someone else dismisses them. Even if you have to say to yourself, “we have very different perceptions of the truth, and I’m entitled to mine.”
Journal Regularly: Keeping a record of events can help you track inconsistencies in a gaslighter’s narrative and reaffirm what really happened.
Seek Support: Confide in trusted friends or family. They can provide perspective and validate your experiences without the emotional baggage of the situation.
Educate Yourself: Resources like The Gaslight Effect by Dr. Robin Stern offer invaluable insights into recognizing and surviving gaslighting.
Set Boundaries: When arguments turn personal or dismissive, shut them down by saying something like “attacking my character isn’t helpful. Let’s focus on the issue here.” You can say that you won’t continue the conversation if the attacks or insults keep happening - regardless if it’s you or the other person making them!
Gaslighting Beyond Relationships
Gaslighting isn’t limited to personal relationships; it can occur in systemic and institutional contexts. For instance, when employees report discrimination or harassment and are met with dismissive responses like, “That’s not how we do things here,” it perpetuates feelings of self-doubt and invalidation.
Even unintentional gaslighting—born of ignorance rather than malice—can have devastating effects. Addressing this requires awareness and empathy, both at an individual and societal level.
Final Thoughts
Gaslighting is a pervasive issue that undermines trust, self-esteem, and relationships. Recognizing the signs and understanding its dynamics can empower victims to break free and reclaim their sense of reality. If you’re experiencing gaslighting, know that you’re not alone. Your feelings are valid, and help is available.
Learning about gaslighting can be a powerful reminder to trust your instincts and surround yourself with people who validate your experiences. Keep in mind that validation doesn’t mean just agreeing or “being on your side,” but it means treating your experiences as real and legitimate. If you think you’re being gaslit, take heart: there’s strength in acknowledging your truth and seeking support.
Take the first step by validating yourself. As Jacqueline wisely shared, “If you think you’re crazy, it’s a really good time to tune in with your mind and get reacquainted with it.”
If you feel gaslit by a loved one and need help validating yourself, setting healthy boundaries, and recovering trust in yourself, book a free call with us to learn how KulaMind can support you. For more insights and resources, check out The Gaslight Effect by Dr. Robin Stern and tune into A Little Help For Our Friends podcast for thoughtful discussions on breaking free of toxic dynamics like gaslighting.
Disclaimer: This blog post is for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice. If you need support, please consult a licensed mental health professional.
