Loving someone with substance use disorder
When you think of addiction, it seems like something that affects only the person using drugs or alcohol. But as a clinical psychologist and someone who has personally felt its ripple effects on loved ones, I’ve learned how much substance use disorder is a community-wide illness.
Substance use disorder (SUD) isn’t just about using drugs or alcohol excessively. It’s a chronic condition that changes the brain and behavior, often leading to destructive cycles that are hard to break. For loved ones, watching someone struggle with substance abuse or SUD can feel overwhelming, heartbreaking, and isolating.
As I mentioned in another blog post, my family was devastated by alcoholism to the point where I’ve been in multiple hospitals, thinking it was the last time I’d see my mother alive. One member of our KulaMind community described how her sister’s life was upended by her boyfriend’s addiction, while another friend of mine spiraled into substance use due to loneliness. Stories like these are tragically common and highlight how addiction creates ripples that affect entire families and communities.
What Is Substance Use Disorder?
Substance use disorder is defined as a pattern of behavior that includes using substances more frequently or in larger amounts than intended, failing to meet obligations of daily life, or continuing use despite negative consequences. Based on the DSM-V criteria, some key signs to watch for include:
Drinking or using drugs in larger amounts or over longer periods than planned.
Attempts to cut back that are unsuccessful.
Spending significant time trying to get, using, or recovering from substance use.
Craving the substance or having strong urges when not using.
Neglecting major responsibilities at work, school, or home.
Continuing use despite relationship problems caused by substance use (e.g. fights with loved ones, health problems).
Withdrawing from hobbies or valued activities.
Engaging in risky behaviors while under the influence (e.g. driving).
Experiencing physical or psychological problems but continuing to use (e.g. anxiety after a night of drinking).
Building a tolerance and needing more to achieve the same effect.
Experiencing withdrawal symptoms when not using.
If your loved one is showing these behaviors on a regular or unhealthy level, it make sense to worry. But it’s equally important to recognize how this situation may be affecting you as well.
How Substance Use Disorders Affect Loved Ones
Loving someone who struggles with addiction can feel like riding a rollercoaster of emotions. You might feel anger, sadness, guilt, and helplessness. You may become hypervigilant, constantly scanning for signs that they’re high, drunk or using behind people’s backs. Even if your loved one gets sober, you may spend years worrying that they’ll relapse. Relationships can become strained, as the traumatizing experiences can erode your trust and put your emotional walls up. One of the most confusing experiences is the persistent hope that your loved one will get better, while also feeling numb or “shut down” towards their struggles.
I’ve seen how addiction can turn someone you love into a person you hardly recognize. The lying, broken promises, and unpredictable behavior made me unsure if the person I loved was even there anymore. It’s a difficult path that can make you lose all sense of control, but there are ways to protect your mental health and support your loved one at the same time.
Tips for Supporting a Loved One (and Yourself)
Educate Yourself Understanding the nature of addiction can help you approach the situation with compassion. Addiction is not simply a lack of willpower; it’s a complex condition requiring professional treatment and support.
Set Boundaries Boundaries protect your well-being while maintaining a relationship with your loved one. For example, you might decide not to lend money if it’s being used to support their addiction. Clear, consistent boundaries are essential.
Practice Self-Care Caring for someone with substance abuse issues can be exhausting. Prioritize your own health by engaging in activities that bring you joy and purpose beyond your caregiving role.
Seek Support Connect with others who understand what you’re going through. Support groups like Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, Learn to Cope, or the KulaMind community provide a safe space to share your experiences and gain valuable insights.
Encourage Professional Help While you can support your loved one’s recovery, you alone are not responsible for keeping them safe. Encourage your loved one to seek professional help and provide resources, such as therapy or rehab programs, when they’re ready.
Let Go of Guilt It’s common to feel responsible for a loved one’s addiction, but remember: this is not your fault. Substance use disorder is no one’s fault. Focus on what you can control—your own actions and responses.
Moving Forward
Navigating a loved one’s substance abuse is incredibly challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Therapy, support groups, and resources like SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) can provide the tools and guidance you need. KulaMind gives science-based insights and strategies for family, friends, and other loved ones of people with a substance use disorder. Knowing that loved ones need different kinds of support, KulaMind’s platform offers one-on-one coaching with experts and access to an exclusive, compassionate community. Book a free consultation call to learn more about how KulaMind can help you cope with these challenges.
Most importantly, remember that taking care of yourself is not selfish—it’s necessary. Your ability to support your loved one is severely limited if you’re too burnt out, resentful, or drained to actually care for them. By prioritizing your own sense of self, health and purpose outside of this relationship, you will be in a much better position to balance empathy with healthy boundaries. Addiction affects everyone in its orbit, but with the right support, healing and hope are possible for both you and your loved one. Believe me, it’s possible.