Loving Someone Through the Darkness: What To Do When A Loved One Is Suicidal

May 26

If someone you love is thinking of hurting themselves, you may be filled with anxiety, dread, and a sense of helplessness. Sometimes you’re not sure if “they really mean it,” or don’t know how to get them help without breaking their trust. One person every 11 minutes dies by suicide in the United States and countless more think about hurting themselves. So what can you do to protect your loved ones and yourself? Here’s what you need to know, from understanding risk factors for suicide to practical guidance on how to support someone with suicidal thoughts, and even how to take care of yourself along the way.

Understanding Suicide Risk Factors

When someone you love is suicidal, it’s natural to ask why. Suicide is complex and rarely caused by a single thing or disorder, but we clinical scientists have identified certain risk factors that make suicide more likely. Keep in mind that risk factors don’t cause suicide or mean it will definitely happen, but they give us insights into who is more likely to hurt themselves. Below is a clear, accessible list of main risk factors for suicide, based on research from the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) and the Centers for Disease Control (CDC):

Previous suicide attempts
Mental health conditions such as substance use disorders, bipolar disorder, or borderline personality disorder
Chronic pain or serious medical conditions
Family history of mental illness or suicide
History of trauma or abuse especially in childhood
Access to lethal means, especially firearms, weapons, or certain medications
Recent incarceration or legal problems
Major life stressors or losses such as death of a loved one, a divorce or breakup, losing a job or financial crisis, or serious bullying or harassment

Keep in mind: Risk factors are not the same as warning signs. Risk factors are backdrops that might make suicide more likely over time. Warning signs, on the other hand, are red flags that someone may be in immediate danger of attempting suicide. Here are some examples:

Talking about wanting to die with a plan for when and how they’ll do it
Expressing hopelessness or unbearable pain without seeing another solution
Giving away possessions or making a will
Writing a suicide note
Researching methods online
Suddenly withdrawing from friends
Having serious, chronic suicidal thoughts and then having a burst of energy or activity

If you notice any signs like these, take them seriously. Don’t dismiss it as “attention-seeking” or assume they won’t go through with it. It’s always better to err on the side of caution and get help.

How to Support Someone with Suicidal Thoughts

Supporting a loved one through suicidal thoughts is a delicate balance of compassion, curiosity, communication, and courage. It’s normal to feel scared or unsure of what to do or say. You might worry about saying the “wrong” thing or making the situation worse by “making them think about it.” Instead, research has shown that asking about suicidal or self harm thoughts can save someone’s life. The most important thing you can offer is your presence and your willingness to support them without judgment. Here, we’ll break down some practical and emotional guidance on how to help, including what to say (and what not to say).

What to Do:

Be direct and ask about suicide. It’s a myth that talking about suicide will plant the idea in someone’s head – in fact, asking “Are you thinking about death or hurting yourself?” can bring immense relief to a person in pain, because it shows you truly see what they’re going through. Use a calm, caring tone and plain language: for example, “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed to be struggling lately and I want to help. Have things felt so bad that you’ve thought about death or hurting yourself?”
Listen with empathy and without judgment. When they start to open up, let them talk – and truly listen. This means listening and asking more questions instead of jumping into solutions. You might hear things that are hard to hear, like “I feel like I’m a burden” or “I can’t see a way out.” As gut-wrenching as it is, try not to immediately counter or correct these feelings. Instead, validate their experience: “I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. It sounds really painful.”
Remove immediate dangers. If you suspect your loved one is actively suicidal or in a very dark place, try to secure or limit access to anything they could use to hurt themselves. This might mean temporarily removing firearms from the house (e.g. asking a trusted friend to hold onto them) or locking them in a safe, taking away medications except what is prescribed, or even just staying with them through the night if you’re very worried.
Encourage professional help and help them connect. You are not a trained therapist (unless you actually are), and you shouldn’t try to take that role on yourself. You can support your loved ones’ efforts to get help, but you are not responsible for their life choices. Encourage your loved one to seek help from a mental health professional. You might say, “Before you decide to do anything to hurt yourself, let’s find you a therapist who can help you through these feelings and find a way out of this pain.” Offer to help with the logistics: finding a therapist, making an appointment, driving them, or sitting with them during the call or visit. If they’re not ready for therapy, suggest calling or texting a crisis line together (more on crisis resources in a moment). For example: “I’ve heard that 988 has a crisis line, we can text them together and see what they suggest.”
Getting help is more important than keeping secrets. It’s a tough position to feel stuck between respecting their privacy or asking for help, even if it means breaking their trust. You might say, “I know you asked me not to tell, but we have to do what it takes to keep your safe.” If the person is a minor (like your child), you must involve a medical professional or emergency service.
Offer hope. One of the hardest parts is finding words to comfort someone who feels life is unbearable. It’s okay if you don’t have a grand speech, a solution, or even understand why this is happening. Let them know you care: “I may not fully understand what you’re going through and it scares me to think you’d hurt yourself. But I’m here with you and we can figure this out together.” If appropriate, assure them that help exists: “There are a lot of people out there who feel the same way you do and there is help with this kind of pain. We can find that help together.” The goal is to spark some hope, not by pressuring them to look on the bright side, but by letting them know you won’t give up on them.
Follow up and keep checking in. Supporting someone with suicidal thoughts is not a one-and-done conversation. After the initial crisis passes or they start getting help, continue to check in regularly. A simple text like “Thinking of you. How does today feel?” or an invite to a casual coffee can remind them that you care and that they’re not burdening you. Suicidal feelings can ebb and flow; staying present in their life over the long haul is incredibly valuable. It might be weekly phone calls, daily good-morning messages, or just sitting with them quietly when they’re down.

What Not to Do:

Don’t dismiss or minimize their feelings. Avoid saying things like “It’s not that bad,” “Snap out of it,” or “Plenty of people have it worse than you.” What they’re feeling is that bad to them, and comparing or minimizing will only make them feel misunderstood and more alone.
Never call them “selfish” or make them feel guilty for how they feel. People in suicidal despair often already feel like a burden; being told “How could you do this to us?” or “Suicide is so selfish” only deepens shame and pushes them further into the darkness. Remember, your loved one is not trying to hurt anyone by feeling this way – they are in a place where they can’t see any other way out of their own pain. Stick to empathy: “I’m sorry you’re hurting this much. I want to help.”
Don’t try to handle this all by yourself. You are one person, and you’re not superhuman. Even mental health professionals use crisis teams and consult others when someone is at serious risk. Team up with anyone who can help keep your loved one safe and supported.

Taking Care of Yourself as a Caregiver

When someone you love is suicidal, it often feels like your own life stops and starts revolving entirely around keeping them alive. You might feel guilty focusing on anything besides their needs. Self-care can seem like a very low priority but here’s the hard truth: if you burn yourself out, you won’t be able to help them effectively. Taking care of yourself is not selfish or indulgent; it’s essential for both of you. As the airlines say, put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.

Consider these self-care strategies for a caregiver of someone with suicidal thoughts:

Build a support network for you. You shouldn’t be the only one carrying this worry. Identify at least one or two people you trust – a close friend, a sibling, a therapist, a support group – with whom you can honestly talk about what you’re going through. KulaMind is a community of experts and other people in your situation who truly get it, so book a free call with us to get the right support. You may also consider talking to a counselor yourself, if possible – having your own space to process feelings of fear, anger, or grief can be invaluable.
Make a safety plan and get help. As much as you love the person, you cannot be on suicide watch 24/7 forever. It’s important to know your limits and enlist help. Develop a safety plan together with your loved one and a therapist if possible. A safety plan includes who they can call when they have urges, coping strategies, and emergency steps. That way, you know what to do in a crisis and don’t have to make decisions in the heat of the moment.
Take care of your basic needs. Under extreme stress, we often neglect our own health. You might not be sleeping, eating poorly, and skipping any form of exercise because there’s no time or energy. Ironically, this makes it harder to cope with stress. Do your best to maintain the healthy routines of sleep, eating, exercising, seeking medical care as needed. Think of it as keeping your engine fueled for the long road.
Learn about stress and know your warning signs. Caregiver burnout and chronic stress can creep up on you. Pay attention to your own warning signs of overwhelming stress: for example, are you feeling constantly anxious, irritable, or numb? Do you get sick more often, or have headaches or insomnia? These can be red flags that you need support. KulaMind coaches are specifically trained to help you cope with the stress of having a loved one with suicidal tendencies.

Above all, be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can in an extreme situation. This is not your fault and you deserve support too.

Emergency Resources In the U.S.

Despite all your love and support, there may come a moment when emergency help is needed. It’s crucial to know where to turn in a crisis – and to understand when the situation goes from “we can handle this at home” to “we need immediate intervention.” Here are key U.S.-based emergency resources and guidelines:

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: This is a nationwide 24/7 crisis line. You or your loved one can call or text 988 to be connected with trained crisis counselors any time, day or night. It’s free and confidential. You can also chat via their website. 988 can also offer support to family and friends who don’t know what to do. The counselor can guide you on how to help your loved one and what resources are available in your area. (If your loved one is a veteran or service member, after dialing 988 they can press 1 to reach the Veterans Crisis Line, which connects to counselors experienced with military-related issues.)
Crisis Text Line: If phone calls are too hard, there’s also a text-based option for support. Text HOME to 741-741 to reach the Crisis Text Line. A trained crisis counselor will respond via text and help you or your loved one through the moment. This service is free, available 24/7, and can be invaluable for those who prefer texting over talking.
When to call 911: **If you believe your loved one is in immediate danger of harming themselves – **for example, they have taken a serious overdose, they have a weapon, or they are on the verge of acting on a plan – call 911 right away. This is a life-threatening emergency. Stay with your loved one (or on the phone with them) while you call. Tell the 911 operator clearly that this is a mental health crisis and if known, explain what your loved one has done or is threatening (e.g., “My son has locked himself in the bathroom and I think he has pills,” or “My husband is threatening to shoot himself and has a gun in the house”). In many areas, the dispatcher can send out a Crisis Intervention Team or officers trained in mental health crises. If you can do so safely, you might also drive them to the nearest emergency room and ask for the psychiatrist on call instead but use your best judgment – if the person is violent, not fully conscious, or actively attempting to die, emergency medical professionals are better equipped to handle it.
Your loved one’s provider: If your loved one has a therapist, counselor, or psychiatrist, remember that you are an important member of their “care team” and you can collaborate with them to keep your loved one safe. Talk to the provider about how and when it’s appropriate to contact them in case of emergency. Some providers are in a clinic with an emergency line, some may give their phone number or direct contact. Because of HIPPA privacy laws, they may not be able to share information with you like details about their treatment, diagnoses, or medical history. However, you are allowed to inform them about any concerns you may have.

Finally, a gentle reminder: You are not alone in this, and neither is your loved one. There are professionals, volunteers, and organizations whose mission is to help prevent suicide and support families like yours. Don’t hesitate to use them. Saving a life sometimes takes a village.

Final Thoughts

Supporting a child, partner, or friend through suicidal thoughts is one of the toughest journeys you may ever face. It will test you in every way. I know how helpless you feel not being able to take their pain away or to stop their self-destructive urges. But there is also potential for incredible strength, love, and connection to emerge from this darkness. Your loved one is still here today, and that means there is hope for tomorrow. By understanding the warning signs, communicating openly, making a safety plan, getting professional help involved, and by taking care of your own wellbeing, you are doing everything in your power to help guide them toward safety and recovery.

If you or someone you love is in crisis, help is available. You’re not alone. We at KulaMind are here to guide you through loving someone through the toughest moments. Talk to us if you want to learn more or just need to vent. We’re here for you.

Kibby McMahon