Does someone in your life panic, get angry, or accuse you of abandoning them whenever you set a boundary or need some space?
Maybe it's your partner, your adult child, or someone you love deeply. No matter how much reassurance you give, it never seems to be enough. You feel like you have to be available 24/7 just to keep the peace.
In this video, Dr. Kibby McMahon, clinical psychologist and founder of KulaMind, explains why extreme anxious attachment and fear of abandonment can create a painful cycle of reassurance, panic, guilt, and resentment—and how to break that cycle without losing yourself.
You'll learn:
Why boundaries and distance can trigger intense fears of abandonment
How constant reassurance can unintentionally reinforce unhealthy relationship patterns
What healthy, secure attachment actually looks like
How to validate someone's emotions without giving in to harmful demands
Why predictable reassurance works better than unlimited availability
How to set loving, firm boundaries—even when someone reacts with anger or panic
How to support someone you love without becoming responsible for regulating all their emotions
These patterns can show up in relationships involving borderline personality disorder (BPD), anxious attachment, trauma, or emotional dysregulation.
You can love someone, support their healing, and still have boundaries. Healthy relationships need both connection and freedom.
💙 Need support navigating a difficult relationship?
Explore KulaMind, where Dr. Kibby helps loved ones of people struggling with mental illness or addiction build healthier relationships while taking care of themselves.
💬 Let's talk: Have you ever felt guilty setting boundaries because someone you love reacts with panic or anger? Share your experience or questions in the comments.
👍 Like this video if it helped you, and subscribe for more practical relationship and mental health strategies.
#AnxiousAttachment #FearOfAbandonment #HealthyBoundaries #BPD #RelationshipAdvice
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Hi guys, welcome to a little help for our friends, a podcast for people with loved ones struggling with mental health. Hey little helpers. If you're a parent of a teenage boy or a young man, you might be noticing some changes in him that are pretty worrying. Maybe he's suddenly obsessed with going to the gym, which is fine, but he's spending hours at the gym, hours staring in a mirror or pictures. obsessing over his looks, talking about being a high value man. Maybe he's pulling away from family or friends. Um just experiencing less joy and more resentment, anger, and making some comments about maybe women or other people or the world that are really concerning. And if you're seeing your son go through these changes, you are wondering where is he getting these ideas from? like what is happening and how do I stop this? How do I talk to him that doesn't push him away? If you don't know me, I'm Dr. Kimmy McMahon. Um I am a clinical psychologist who specializes in helping loved ones like family and partners of people who are struggling with mental health. And the more I talk to you guys and people who are worried about these young men, the more I hear the same thing. uh that they feel like they're losing their young men, their sons into these online communities or influencers or these ideologies that really promote this kind of form of masculinity that at first might benefit them, might bring them confidence or sense of purpose, but you're noticing some pretty negative changes overall. So, I'm going to be talking about what's going on the manosphere, what the manosphere is teaching your son. So, I'll be breaking down why the manosphere are so appealing, um, and what it is, and what are the psychological effects of the manosphere on your son, like what to look out for, how to notice these changes, and what to do about them. So, what is a manosphere? It's the more I try to understand what it is, the the more I feel like I don't get it. So, I'm probably going to get a ton of comments after this like, "You don't know what we're talking about." Which is fair. Um, but from what I understand, it's not just one thing. It's an ecosystem of online communities um social media influencers, groups, programs that um you know it could be uh connected to incel communities or quote red pill communities, men's right communities. So you know pickup artists or basically advice about how to get women. Um, so it's all these different sources of information really from the internet mostly that talk about gender hierarchy as um something to uh know the secret to and to um leverage some of its uh I want to say like problematic principles in order to um get fit, get money, get power and especially get women or get attention or respect or love or whatever they're looking for. So, because it's not just one thing, it's really broad across many things. You might think of um you know, famous examples like Andrew Tate. Um, but from what I understand, it could be, you know, not as obviously problematic or misogynist, but it's just different kinds of programs and communities and sources of support. And usually they don't start with, hey, join this community and you're just going to hate women. It it it actually brings people in with um talking about how they could offer a transformation or a value that makes sense. Either, you know, a program for how to get fit and healthy or how to get motivated or how to become high value and how to attract um the woman of your dreams, right? So there's it doesn't off the bat talk about the um more hostile ideas, but it it offers in the front door something that um someone wants and actually can be harmless um at first glance. And I' I've actually seen this happen on people's algorithms, right? Like a guy might follow or watch one reel that talks about how to get better abs in a short amount of time, how to feel motivated to the gym, and suddenly it starts feeding other ideas of the manosphere. So, it's kind of a snowball effect. It doesn't happen right away. Um, and it's it really pres on it really it's very seductive for a lot of young men who are justifiably lost and scared about the world. They're scared about AI taking every job. They're scared about the economy. They're scared about being able to find a career, build a good living and lifestyle, support a family, and find a good partner. Right? So there are people who are afraid of the future, which makes sense because there is a lot of a lot going on right now about that. And it's a really appealing prospect for young men who are like, I feel lost or rejected or behind or like I feel like a loser and I don't know how to fix it. And these manosphere communities or programs or whatever the manosphere sometimes offers a simple solution to their problems, right? Like if you're feeling insecure, if you're feeling weak, if you're feeling bullied or um like you don't belong, here's like one thing that you can do to optimize your chances of getting ahead, right? If you just work out, if you just cut your body fat, you'll get an amazing result in the world. So, it's really appealing, right? It makes it's like almost a shortcut to um solving a lot of emotional pain. And the young men who are particularly vulnerable to the manosphere are men who have experienced a lot of rejection or shame and especially rejection from women. So, men who feel really lonely, who feel like they um are aren't loved, can't find a partner, and have experienced a really painful breakup, or felt humiliated by women not liking them or no one swiping on them on the apps. So, if they felt that, they are more likely to to be seduced by the manosphere, right? Because we are increasingly more isolated. Everyone's online. You don't. Back in the day, people used to go to bars and be rejected by 20 women at a time. And people get to habituate to that feeling of rejection, meaning they get used to it, and it doesn't sting as much. Now, every rejection feels like crushing pain, right? You people are sitting there and dealing with the pain, looking online for ways to feel better. And that's where the manosphere comes in. So if you are a parent of a young man, here are the signs to look out for. Here are things that the manosphere might influence in your son and to know oh this is the there's something there might be something going on here. So the first sign is obsessive optimizing and what's called look looks maxing. So the manosphere often teaches that in order to become a high value man or to be uh to get everything they want basically. Um one particular thing that that they can do is to improve their looks. So if you notice that your son is going to the gym, doing certain exercises obsessively, um looking in the mirror, right? looking looking at pictures, asking for um plastic surgery or starting to compare themselves physically to other men, that is a sign that they're starting to fixate on their physical attractiveness, their looks in order to give them more worth in the world. Now, unfortunately, we are just used to this in young women, right? like young women sadly for a very long time have um based their worth on their attractiveness and their physical looks, right? So, you know, we we might not blink an eye at seeing a a young girl diet or obsessively work on their looks or get plastic surgery, but now that trend is is happening in young men. So, if you see your son suddenly get into looks, that's what's going on. They are being told that if they fix their jaw, if they fix their hair and their body and um have bigger muscles or look taller, then they will be healed from their emotional pain essentially. And another another sign of that is if they get really into certain kinds of um supplements or even steroids, right? Like testosterone or creatine or any kind of um added help for looking more quote attractive as a as a man. So if you look on your Amazon account and you see a bunch of creatine or other kind of supplements that you haven't seen before, that might be one of the reasons why. And um the next sign, the second sign that is particularly worrying is having really negative attitudes towards women or lower men. So the manosphere has a uses a lot of evolutionary psychology or theories, but the idea that there's a hierarchy and there's an idea that if I'm just going to butcher this because I'm sure there's many um theories out there and principles and um but I'm just going to generalize it which is going to make a lot of people angry. But um the idea is like masculinity is under threat by women, right? And in order to regain your power back, you need to be like a top alpha man. It's like really looking at society as like a hierarchy and you need to be on the top and men who are lower on the ladder and women are lower than you are a threat. They so it's really creating this very very judgmental and extreme view of looking at people's worth. So there was this really interesting study in Sweden that looked at how the manosphere man influencers content affects um the psychology of young men and it's a really interesting study. There's a you know it it did it was like two experiments with about 500 600 people and they looked at um when the effects of if you're seeing a you know manosphere kind of content um like a message that is threatening to masculinity versus a neutral one. What are the different effects? And I'll actually read out the example that they gave of one of the um the threatening content. So, in the study, they showed young men a picture um like a post that contain a message that could be seen as threatening to men's status. Like, um according to new survey, women are starting to take over leading positions in society and uh it's not going to slow down in the future. So um uh the development towards a more male hostile society must be stopped right so it's like women are threatening your status and we got to stop it versus you know some other people in the study other young men study just saw some um regular content and they found that um men who were exposed to that masculinity threatening content were more likely to dehumanize women after that to to see women as lower to to endorse hostile beliefs about them. Um and especially this this effect was especially strong in men who have experienced rejection before who has been rejection rejected by a woman or crush or girlfriend before. So that is really really powerful to show the immediate influence of seeing that kind of message especially if it taps into some of their lived experience. So, um, some signs that your son might be taking in this messaging, they might say something like, "Women are the problem. My problems like my loneliness are the reason why um, I don't have a girlfriend or um, I'm not making enough money is because women are, you know, women are the problem. Women are the threat. The reason why I'm so depressed is because uh, women are take are taking everything from us, right? So something that is like an extreme version of women are the problem as well as as seeing themselves on a hierarchy compared to other men, right? It's it's about to be like a a man that doesn't look as as good as I do or who like any man who is shorter is like lower value, right? So really being very judgmental and very critical of essentially other people. And along those lines, the third sign is that um men are are when they absorb the this messaging of the manosphere, they are turning their personal pain into a group grievance, like an ideology, right? um someone who has said, you know, a girl didn't like me. You know, I tried to ask her out and she said no and kind of laughed about it and I was humiliated in front of everyone. That turns into well, women are the problem and women are destroying our society, right? I'm particularly worried about that in because what that does a number of different things. First, that's taking personal pain and giving you a pretty ineffective way to avoid it, right? You feel shame, you feel hurt, and the way to avoid it is it's not my fault. There's nothing I did wrong. Um, it's really women's fault, right? Or instead of just tolerating and sitting with that pain, it's uh I have I have been wronged by someone. This is an injustice which turns shame into anger, right? It turns into justified anger as if and turns into outrage. Um I know from the research on humiliation when people feel humiliated and seek vengeance or to try to um put down another group or person in order to feel better and feel like vindicated in your humiliation. That actually makes it worse, right? it doesn't actually help anything. It just turns into rage and trying to destroy someone else. It's very destructive and it doesn't actually heal the humiliation. So I'm I think this is this is the part that worries me a lot because instead of what we know in psychology actually heals the pain of loss, the pain of rejection which is you know a bunch of different things like sitting with it, learning to cope with it, learning to figure out what you can do differently um and doing better next time or take taking your accountability and then you know just changing and working on it. This is saying um this is all this group's fault. And you know, politically and culturally that's a problem, right? Like the Germans who have said, "I am poor. I can't afford anything." Um and I'm struggling in life. Oh, wait. It's the Jews fault. Right? It's a it's a really easy and manipulative strategy to take someone's pain and turn it into hatred towards a whole group which which leads to biases which leads to violence which leads to you know all oppression this so many awful things. So that's the part that really scares me. It's like my pain is because of all this group's fault. And I think that the research is still at its very um young stage that we don't know. I mean the study that I talked about did show a little bit of causation, right? They see those messages than they have more of those um dehumanizing behaviors and attitudes towards women. But we can't always say that the manosphere makes your son into blah blah blah. Uh it might be the case of correlation, right? that they might have these feelings or thoughts and then they find a community that embraces it and makes them feel accepted. So, we don't necessarily know if it causes anyone to uh behave a certain way or think a certain way yet, but it certainly doesn't help it. So, um if you're seeing all these signs in your son, it makes sense to be worried. Um especially the thing that I'm particularly worried about and I see in in my work um with families is that the sons are often mean to you the parent. Right? So sometimes the men the young men are quite abusive and and disrespectful and hurtful towards their mothers or sisters. Right? Like it's all the women's fault. that also includes the mother and they're trying to feel more powerful by putting you down if you're the mother. So that's if if you're noticing that I I wonder if this is something that they're learning from the manosphere. And then one more sign that your son might be influenced and getting sucked into the manosphere is if they are drawn away from the things that they used to love like relationships with you guys and family. um their friends, uh maybe friends who are girls, activities they like to do, right? If they're if they're pulling away from their life, getting more isolated, spending more time online, getting more secretive, getting more obsessive with, you know, the looks maxing or whatever. Um that that is also a troubling sign. So, I'm seeing that quite a bit. And the thing is that we have to recognize the intentions and the motivation behind it, right? It's they are feeling lonely and lost and ashamed. And when you're in a community or when you're in the manosphere following these these influencers, it's like a dopamine rush. It gives you a sense of power. It gives you a formula to get more power. Um, and also it's a rare place for young men to um feel like they have belonging, feel like they have purpose, connect to each other. Um, we don't have that as much in our society. We don't have like we don't have these institutions like religion, army and you know other things that used to really bind men in a common goal or or mission. So a lot of men are very lonely and I don't think we should discount the good it might do for them to even feel like they have friends or to feel like someone says hey you are there's a way for you to be valuable and it's not fair what you're feeling right so um that is has something to watch for but also to feel compassion for is that if they are drawn into these manif manosphere worlds is some it's giving them something that they were craving that they couldn't find in their regular life. But the sad part is then they draw away from the other good stuff in their regular life like their relationships, hobbies, and um their family. So if you're noticing that your son is going through a lot of changes because of the manosphere, right? getting sucked into it and you're noticing all the signs that I talked about, optimizing his looks, um having more extreme judgmental views of himself, uh women, other other men, worth what value means to men. um withdrawing and isolating more and going into these not even withdrawing but maybe choosing these um these spaces either manosphere influencers or communities or programs and you're worried. Here's a few things that you can do. So one, I know that you might feel really scared and want to come in and say, "Hey, you got to stop you got to stop worrying about your face. So, you got to stop, you know, I I I don't like you going on the on the internet so much or stop following these people, right? Like, I know that your fear makes you want to go in and tell them what to do, but especially with teens and young men, that's going to feel um that's going to kick in a defiance from them, right? It's actually there's actually research showing that going in and just telling a teen what to do can lead without you know in a very authoritative directive way one one-sided way can actually alienate them a little bit and push them away and have them polarize and defend their what they're doing. So the number one thing is to approach him with curiosity. Ask him questions about it. Be like I'm a dumb parent. I want to know what are these what what what is this new community that you're a part of or you've been working out a lot? What's what's going on? Are you following a program? Are you you know, I'm noticing that there's all these Amazon boxes with creatine and um other kind of supplements. Like, you know, are you feeling okay? Like what's you know, tell me tell me what these do, right? Come in wanting almost asking for them to teach you, right? like have them share what what's going on with them, what they're excited about, what what what they're feeling. Um, and it's okay if this is not a oneanddone conversation. This might take a couple of questions, right? They might just say nothing. I don't want to talk about it. Um, but that is actually for teenagers and and young men that is um saying like I'm fine or being vague or ambiguous is actually a way to control the conversation and to protect themselves. So you might ask once, you could back off and then you can try asking again in a different way and really see if you can adopt a mindset of curiosity. Come in being like, I just want to understand and know more about this. Um, and then two, the research shows that active mediation is really effective for talking to young men about um technology or um really anything else that they're involved in. So what that means is instead of coming in and saying, "Hey, this is what I think about that online community or that influencer you follow, coming in and starting the conversation asking them about their perspective, right? What they see, how they interpret it, what's going on, right? Instead of saying, "I'm going to take away your iPhone," but asking, "Hey, what are you what are you following? can like I'm just curious as as what you're learning and there's a lot of information out there like what what's your perspective on it and really asking what their perspective on it is right um you can certainly say hey I've noticed that you're you know like you were asking me about plastic surgery can you can you tell me what would that can you tell me more about that like where where did that come from what do you think that will do um help me understand right that's a key phrase help me understand and if you can't encourage crit critical thinking, right? Instead of saying, "Well, I think that's dumb or that's not going to work." Or, you know, jumping in with your solutions, really talking to them about it and being like, "Well, huh, okay, so this, you know, this getting a nose job or fixing your jaw um will make you a more high value man and maybe make, you know, make more women like you." Um, what do you think about that? Like what? That's an interesting thought. Oh, women are the reason why society is is is crumbling. Uh, what do you think about that? Do you do you see that in your own life? What I mean, say it in a way that's more natural than that, but the idea is like asking them about their lived experience. like does that is that something you're seeing with your friends or um oh is that something that happened to you before or where you know tell tell me more about what what you think about that like makes sense but I'm just curious what you think right so just putting putting the observation out there the thing that you're worried about the concerning behavior or the question and or the messages that they're talking about and asking them, hey, do you what do you think of what is your unique perspective and opinion on that? Right? Do you believe that? Do you are there parts that you don't believe? Right? I really um caution you to not come in and just attack everything about it. Right? That's going to create polarized conversations about it. So coming in saying, "Oh, the manosphere is terrible." is not going to work. But hold the nuance. hold the balance. Be like, "Oh, of course you would like this because that's so cool that there are thousands of young men your age that are all having conversations about their feelings and finding ways to make themselves look better and be more motivated and do cold plunges." I don't know. Um, but celebrate and recognize the good parts about it and then with the parts that are more concerning, talk about it with them. You could even say like, "Oo, that what they say about women. Um, that's kind of scary. I I I'm not into that. What do you think?" Right? Do you believe in that? Do you do you feel do you resonate with that? Right? So, invite a more complex, nuanced, critical thought around these messages that your son's getting, right? just to even if like in that moment they might be like yeah this is totally this is totally what I believe and everything at least like giving us space to be like huh do I believe this will plant the seed um and plant the seed for how he can or you together he can take the good parts or recognize the parts that he's getting and maybe throw out the rest that are that is not working for him. The question that I usually like to ask clients or um talk you know with with uh like loved ones and other people when you're talking about the curiosity um ask them is this working right? Ah you this community is giving you a sense of belonging and gives you a good framework um it's giving you confidence. It's really motivating you to work out. Um is this working? like what do you want to get out of this? Like what what is the goal here? Um, of course I'm say it in a way that sounds more natural. I'm trying to workshop, you know, the the main idea is ask if they're getting what they want in the long run, right? if they joined be, you know, or follow this manosphere uh community or influencer because they want to get a girlfriend, they want to have women find them more attractive, ask them about that. Be like, "Oh, so, you know, it sounds like you went through a really bad hard breakup and you weren't sure how to, you know, um started to date and you feel like no one's, you know, paying attention to you. Um, how's that going? Do you feel better about that now? How's that changed? Not to convince them that it that it's wrong, but with any kind of mechanism with any kind of strategy. Um, sometimes people lose the plot, right? Like you get into a fitness program to like look better and feel better and suddenly uh maybe the the the need to keep getting better and improving and optimizing is taking over. that dopamine rush of getting better and better and better is is it just feels good that you're losing why you started doing it in the first place. So have them start to think about that critically. Is this community actually leading you to a healthy relationship that you want or the career that you want? Um are you really more respected by people not just in the community? Right? Because that's part of how these communities or any community or cult really work is that yeah, you feel good and you feel more manly and feel more loved and respected, but it's like only in that insular world, right? But it's like, are you feeling that outside? Do you feel that you are a high value man and that is bringing in more relationships and attraction, right? If not, you know, he might say like, "Oh, I'm not there yet. I'm not I'm still working on this. But those questions over time help the person realize like, oh, this is actually not that beneficial. This is not getting me what I was looking for in the first place. Right? It feels good in the meantime. Um, and it makes me feel like I'm on my way, but it's not actually um giving me the results I'm wanting. Right? I I find that especially the case when you're talking about um wanting a relationship, wanting not to be rejected by women, wanting to be accepted and loved and have a family, but you're endorsing all of these like misogynist beliefs like dehumanizing women. Well, I mean, the question is, is that really bringing in more women, right? Is that actually leading you to the kind of relationship you want? You know, if you do have a relationship, you might have a relationship with someone who's okay being dehumanized, right? Who is accepting that role? Uh, and is that what you want? If so, that's his choice. But if not, then he could you could have him just question whether these beliefs are leading to the things that he really really wants. And then the last thing I'll say that if your son is getting sucked into the manosphere, um really listen to why he's joining this group or or what is giving him, right? Like I said, being curious and asking what is it? Is it making him feel more confident? Is it making him feel more um uh respected and loved? It gives a very specific framework for how to you know make small improvements to actually get towards their goals like a sense of direction. And then the way people have gotten out of the manosphere is finding those things in other ways, right? The way you the way you can talk about that is okay cool. How do we take the things that you're getting from the manosphere and or you know really say like either the influencers's name or the community's name and say like how do how do we how do we bring that to the rest of your life right like let's generalize and apply the learnings outside because if that program and community is meant to improve their lives then what it should look like is that they're improving their lives even outside the community otherwise It's like, you know, getting tunnel vision, right? It's like codependency in a in a obsession in crazy way. So, it's like you should be able to branch out in other other ways. So, are there communities that can make you feel respected and um like a sense of belonging? Um are there ways that you can, you know, share with your guys at school or something like that? But the way that they're able to evolve from the manosphere is to develop their sense of identity and selfworth outside the manosphere. So help them do that. Really respect what is important to them, what they want, and help them find other ways to do it. Even if the manosphere is doing it really well, I always say from, you know, a therapist standpoint that we want multiple ways to cope with the same situation. Right? If you're stressed, a healthy thing is to know several different ways to uh relieve that stress and you have a toolbox of different ways to cope with the same problem. That is really the ideal of what we're working with. So if you want belonging, if you want to feel worthy, high worth, like great, figure out how to do that in this manosphere, but also how to how do you translate to spaces outside of that? And then very briefly, I want to talk about when should you be really worried about your son in the manosphere. When is it time to escalate to um more serious help? I think one is that if you're noticing that your son is having symptoms of eating disorders or body dysmorphia, that is something to be concerned about. And what that looks like is it's kind of hard to tell if they're keeping it secret, but um if they have very rigid eating patterns, right? They're eating a lot less than they're supposed to um that is healthy for um a kid um eating only one food group um and not getting all the uh nutrients. or if they are body dysmorphia is um obsessing over a flaw usually of one feature like one specific flaw. It's an obsession like someone who looks in the mirror and is obsessed with their nose and how you know being obsessed with that that nose is not perfect. It's not perfect and even if they get a nose job or they you know look good in a picture they're constantly worried and looping and obsessively over that feature that one quote flaw. That's a sign of body dysmorphia. And of course, as you can understand, if there's any health issues or any if you're seeing depression, they're not getting out of bed. They're really isolating. They're getting angrier. Um they uh don't find pleasure or happiness or joy in really anything in in their lives. um if they endorse or if they say that they have uh urges or intent to hurt themselves or someone else, especially if there's violence or aggression towards other people or themselves, um that is definitely uh your sign to talk more with him and call for help. either you know uh help them find a therapist or call 988 in the US which is the um mental health crisis line. So I hope this was helpful. Um I don't as many many things about the manosphere can be really concerning for a parent. Um and I totally get that. Uh, but there's a lot you can do to help him develop a sense of worth outside of this very narrow ideas of what makes a human or a man manly and worthy. So, um, thank you so much. If you I would love to hear what you have to say in the comments. So, in on YouTube or Spotify, write in the comments your questions or if you've experienced this before. Um, I also whenever I talk about the manosphere, I always get a bunch of men saying how I don't get it, which is true. I don't get it. Um, so I'm happy to hear more about it. I'm happy to hear if it actually did something good for you or um if you found ways to manage it so that it actually improves your life without um leading to like I don't know more isolation or more anger, resentment, but so I want to hear all of it and I'll see you guys next week. Thank you.
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