Ep. 169-Why 2025 Was a Lonely Year And How To Rebuild Connection

Well, 2025 is almost over and by all accounts, it was one of the hardest for mental health across America. The past year felt like emotional sandpaper: unstable jobs, AI anxiety, and a constant stream of obligations that made even simple days feel crowded. Beneath all that noise, a quieter force did much of the damage: loneliness. In this episode, Dr. Kibby unpacks why January often hits hardest after the holidays, why being surrounded by people can still feel empty, and how one-way relationships quietly burn us out.

Dr. Kibby discusses a candid look at over-giving, how being so focused on other people can lead to a sneaky sense of loneliness. She breaks loneliness into three solvable parts: 1. Building real emotional support, 2. Being seen for who we really are, and 3. Restoring reciprocity so care flows both ways. 

She also talks about finding community where you might not expect it. If your local circle doesn’t yet hold the parts of you that crave air, that’s a bridge, not a dead end. The goal isn’t more social plans; it’s richer resonance. By focusing on one small habit each week (one ask, one honest share, one reciprocal ritual) you can turn the quiet of January into a reset for connection.

Happy new year, Little Helpers. We're grateful for this community and see you in 2026

• Transcript

  Hi guys, welcome to A Little Help for Our Friends, a podcast for people with loved ones struggling with mental health. Hey little helpers, it's Dr. Kibby here. Before we dive into this episode, I wanted to tell you how I could help you navigate the mental health or addiction struggles of the people you love.Kulamind is the online coaching platform and community that I built to support you in the moment when you need it the most, like having hard conversations, asserting your needs, or setting boundaries. Even if you're just curious and want to chat about it, book a free call with me by going to the link in the show notes or going to kulamind.com, K-U-L-A-M-I-N-D.com and click get started. Thank you and enjoy the show. Welcome back, little hoppers. I'm getting cozy for the holidays. Um by the time you hear this, it'll probably be Christmas Eve or maybe even Christmas. Um yesterday was my 40th birthday. So December 22nd was when I turned the big 4-0. And I'm gonna get on a plane later today to go to California to see my in-laws. But I just thought this would be a really nice time to kind of wrap up this year and really even the think about this decade. And really realizing what transformation, what major change I've been through through my 30s. My 30s were a crazy, crazy decade. I would not repeat it. Um it was full of wonderful things like starting a family and um getting my PhD and you know, like advancing my career and doing this, but it also was really, really hard with cancer and divorce and uh, it was just an action-packed decade. So all yesterday I was kind of reflecting on it and realizing that a major change in my life has been detoxing from people pleasing. I wouldn't say I'm fully detoxed yet, so I'm just noticing and addressing my people pleasing. And so I wanted to talk a little bit more about what people pleasing is because now this is a term that I've seen pop up everywhere. Um, maybe it's because I'm paying attention to it, but the word people pleasing has caught on and it really does describe something that I and a bunch of other people that I work with and in Coolamind and all of you struggle with. Um so we'll talk a little bit about what people pleasing is, according to the research, and what I've noticed about myself, my tendencies to people please, and how I am getting out of it, how I'm stopping it, how I'm making it healthier for myself. I'm not anywhere near where I want to be, but it's it's just something that I've been working on and something that I'm really looking forward to addressing in the next decade. And I'm just so excited because I really want my 40s to feel youthful, if that makes any sense. I want it to feel like it's mine. I feel like my 30s was a lot of giving out, out, out, out to the point that I felt burnt out. I felt burnt out and resentful of people that I'm giving to or how much I was doing and wondering how I'm gonna receive and feel taken care of. And I feel like I kind of figured that out. And I feel like my cousin told me, uh, happy birthday, welcome to I don't give a fuck era. Um, and I was like, what is that? But the 40s are like an I don't give a fuck era where I know who I am. I'm in a position of, I don't say like the center or the authority in my life right now. You know, I have my own business, have my own family. And it's really about what do I want out of this? And I want to feel youthful again. The 30s, I was just, it felt so heavy and painful, especially with cancer. Like I was at war with my body all the time. And now I feel like finally I've healed. And for the most part, I'm still on um, I'm still on hormone uh therapy on tamoxifen, which actually blocks my estrogen, which puts me right into menopause right away. But I'm healed to the point where I feel like I can put my energy outward and engage with the world again in the way I want to. A lot of that is just like sitting on the couch watching reality TV, but still, I feel like now I'm gonna give myself permission to do those things without apologizing, without feeling so guilty and weighed down all the time. So I've been reflecting on my 30s and how much people pleasing I was doing and how much it was costing me. And it made me think about how does one go from identifying yourself as someone who pleases, someone who fixes, someone who rescues someone else and the people in their lives? Like how, how is someone who identifies as a giver, like I do, how do they find peace in themselves? How do they find confidence? How do they not drown in that? And trying to understand that, I don't we have to understand what people pleasing actually is. So, according to the research, it's people pleasing is a chronic pattern of putting other people's needs first, paying attention to what other people want, paying attention to what other people are feeling, scanning the room in a crowded room for the person who is most distressed or uncomfortable and going right to them and fixing them and asking what they need. Always saying, No, what do you want to do? instead of saying, Oh, this is what I want to do. Like, what do you want to do for dinner? I don't know, what do you want to do? I'll make it happen, I'll cook for you. Um, and then always saying yes to make other people happy. But of course, that's amazing. Those are amazing qualities. I still value that in myself. But what the downside is, is that you do that in order to get approval from others. And that comes with sacrificing your own needs, right? So if you're people pleasing, it's not just giving, you're constantly giving at the expense of your own needs, emotions, feelings, right? Just putting other people first. And I feel like this is actually a trait of dependent personality disorder. So I haven't really covered this topic yet, and I'll do an episode on that. But dependent personality disorder is a personality disorder where you're constantly um worried about taking care of yourself. So you're doing your people pleasing in order to keep other people in your life to take care of you. So very, very dependent. So I feel like people pleasing is like adjacent to dependent personality disorder, but people pleasing is not just giving, it's it's a coping mechanism to prevent being rejected, abandoned, um, avoid conflict. So it's actually a fear-based response, right? When you're giving genuinely and pleasing the people in your life in a healthy way, it should feel um joyful or content, or it just could that feeling of I'm just giving out and I'm and I'm doing something that's an expression of love. But people pleasing is a is a reaction to fear, right? A fear that people won't love you if you're not useful. People will leave you if you don't put their needs first over yours. Um it's really closely related to the what trauma researchers call like the fawn response. Um, it's like appeasing someone else to stay safe, right? So I feel like me and other people who identify as people pleasers are usually coming from environments where love was conditional, where there was someone in your family, like your dad or your mom or sibling who was narcissistic, emotionally immature, explosive, critical, unpredictable, right? There was like chaos in the family. And when you grow up in that kind of family, you are a child who needs to stay safe. So you quickly learn how do I stay safe? Oh, I'll just make sure that person doesn't explode. I'll make sure that person's happy, I'll make sure that person doesn't um, you know, I don't say something to set them off, right? I hear like, um, we just avoid a blowout, or I try to mediate the fight between my parents, right? So if you grow up in an environment where your safety and love is dependent on managing other people's emotions, then that becomes your coping mechanism. That's how you stay safe. You learn to fawn, you learn to please, you learn to ignore what you need, which is a child as a child, you need so many things, right? You need safety, you need boundaries, you need love, you need guidance, you need someone to see you. But if you put that aside and say, to keep myself safe, I gotta make this person happy, then that is a recipe for becoming a people pleaser. So people pleasing is born in environments where children learn if I'm agreeable, if I'm helpful, if I'm quiet, if I keep the peace, if I mediate, then I'll be safer and maybe I'll finally get what I need. Someone to take me to school, someone to make sure there's food on the table, make sure that everyone has a job and supports the family, right? So it's a coping strategy and it becomes so automatic that it can carry into adulthood. And I it's it's really I I think it's been especially strange to watch how the people pleasing has manifested in my 30s, where I I going through the cancer, everyone is like, oh, do you have a new wisdom? Do you have a new like outlook on life? And I mean, kind of, but I think what the outlook that I had was realizing how much I was doing this, how much I was people pleasing. And it mostly was because um it became clear when I just wasn't capable. I I've had only a couple times in my life, thankfully, where I feel completely incapable. Like I was too sick, I was too weak, I was too stressed, I was too overwhelmed to keep everything going, right? To take care of everyone else. And that was really one of those moments where I was so sick in chemo that I couldn't um say yes to everything. I couldn't um help people with their work the way that I normally would or to give. Like I just, it got to the point where I just had to say no. And then I was terrified. I was absolutely terrified that people would be mad at me and people would leave me. And sure enough, I found out that that did happen. That there were a certain certain couple people in my life who, when I said no, when I um set boundaries, of course, I I I did it in ways that were probably unhelpful. Like I, you know, was really anxious about it and was like, no, I can't, you know, it it wasn't like I was really, you know, calm and grounded about it. But the times I tried to set boundaries during cancer, there were certain people who really didn't like it, who got mad at me or pulled away from me or um focused on how I messed up instead of the fact that I had cancer. So that was really eye-opening. I was like, oh my God, is my deepest fear true that when I stop being useful to other people, they're gonna leave me, they're gonna hate me. And in a way, I did make it true because I did surround myself with people who tended to need that. So I intentionally or unintentionally brought people into my life who liked to be pleased, liked how much I gave. I mean, it was kind of embarrassing. I got to the point where I would hide how much I was actually giving to certain people. I would give people money when they needed it or bought them something, or like whatever, whatever I knew that people wanted or that would make them happy, I would do, right? Like I would, oh gosh. I mean, I even I would constantly give out just like give gift cards and different kinds of financial support. But I also would, if someone was it, you know, was in distress or needed help, like I would drop everything and and help them. Like there was one time one of my former uh business partners in a startup um got into an argument with another one of our um partners. And I just I spent the whole time mediating. I I let them into my home, I hosted them, I let them drink in front of my kid. I, you know, I just like did I like talked to him for hours. I was basically like an on-call therapist for days, weeks at that point. So, and I and it wasn't like, oh, I feel like I was giving. It did at first, but then after a while, I was just I was getting upset about things. Um one thing that I would constantly sacrifice was like that I wanted a safe home and wanted to be a present mom. But if someone like that was distressed, I would be like, Yeah, sure, stay with us. Go ahead, I'll talk to, I'll pay attention to you and I'll take care of you. My husband will put him to bed. Like I was putting those people over my family. And that's just almost like embarrassing to say. I've I feel ashamed saying this right now, but I was sacrificing myself over and over and building up the resentment. That's that's the unfair part. I was building up the resentment. Um and I'm I'm I was looking at what I'm doing, and I realized the really specific form of people pleasing that I was doing, I am doing, trying to stop, is I thought of the term, and then I actually saw it in research, but it's called the echo and narcissist syndrome. So there's certain kind of people pleasing where you're just pleasing everyone. You're just um you want to get approval from society and the group and like the public and social media, right? There's some kind of people pleasing where you're like pleasing everyone you meet. It doesn't matter. For me, that's not something that I identify with. I identify with this echo-narcissist syndrome, where it's in the fable of nar narcissists, the original, the original myth, there was a nymph named Echo. Maybe she was named something else, but her name was Echo in the story, who uh fell in love with narcissists right? The the most handsome, beautiful man. And Hera wanted to punish her because I think, you know, as as the Greek mythology um happens, where Hera and Zeus and all the gods are in conflict with each other and they take it out on them, like mortals and like lower beings. So Echo um was punished for being in love with the narcissist by only being able to mirror back what someone says to her. So she can, she couldn't say anything of her own. She just repeated back the words that were said to her. So when narcissist actually started talking to her, she was just repeating back what he said. And then he left her, which left her heartbroken. So in that, in that story, Echo is this is this person who puts that narcissist on a pedestal and just reflects back, right? It's just like so trying to get the approval of the of the narcissist, but just like reflecting that that person back. So in the echo narcissist um syndrome, I feel like that really applies to the kind of people pleasing that I do all the time, where it's not like I want social approval. It's usually that I pick one or two people, like an authority figure or someone who has narcissistic traits or is like larger than life. There's just like a person who's like the front man of the band. And I quickly latch on to them and try to seek their approval. Not always like, oh, okay, you're good at what you do, or that kind of, you know, you get an A, but just making them happy. Um, doing things that I think that they want, giving them things like, oh, oh, you want, you need these kind of clothes. I have a whole bunch. You need to go ahead and just take them, right? So I just want that one narcissist to be happy. But then I'm just echoing them back, right? I'm just reflecting what I think that they want. And the thing is, usually they like it. And that is that is really in line with the research where people pleasers really tend to gravitate to narcissists. So there's this common dynamic where you have the echoes and then you have narcissists. You have like, you know, the one on the pedestal and the one that puts them on the pedestal, and the one who the admirers, right? So what happens is that the people pleasers are constantly giving. And I there's a friend of mine who gave this great term um for what this is. My friend said, you know what, it's like you're becoming a attention vending machine. So that's what echoes do. They're attention vending machines. They they they focus entirely on that, on that focal point, that that nar the narcissist. And they are afraid to take up space, they're afraid of saying what they want, they worry about being too much. Um, and they often have the belief that their needs are a burden, that if they really asked for help and told people what they needed and wanted, people would find that burdensome and annoying and um like repulsive. Um and then what they also fear is the attention going on them. Like the atten attention is dangerous. It's not good for for me to be seen. And I definitely identify with all that. Like I, you know, as I said, with the cancer, I thought to myself, like, oh God, if I actually say, like, no, I can't do this for you, then people would hate me. People would be upset. And that's what I got. That's the reaction I would get. Um I will also say that the caveat is, you know, there's this vision of people pleasers as like just nice people. And that's not necessarily the case. It's people pleasers like me can be often pretty nasty or pretty reactive, you know, like when I feel like when I felt like I my needs didn't matter to people, I would get angry. I'll be like, well, you don't care about me, you know. I would just like lash out. So it was this giving, giving, giving, like an anxious attachment style, right? I'm giving, giving, giving and hoping they'd stay. And then when I can't give, I'm like, oh my God, oh my God, I'm gonna be left, I'm gonna be left behind, specifically by that one person. And it it just was really destroying my mental health because it's a reinforcing cycle. Like I find those people who love being takers, who love getting, receiving, and, you know, are, you know, graciously receive and I give, give, give, give. And I feel useful. Like I feel valuable to those people. I feel like, oh God, this is so easy. They want me to pay attention to them and listen to them about their feelings. I could do that all day. I literally do. Therapist. I'm more than happy to sit and listen to someone's feelings. But then I'm like doing that over and over and over again to the point where it feels like I'm like an audience watching a show. I'm like in I'm in the dark, just watching. And that's my whole role. And you can imagine that being an audience affects your self-esteem and mental health over time. Right. There's research showing that chronic people pleasing is linked to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, emotional exhaustion, and burnout. And a lot of people pleasers like me feel like empty and invisible and resentful. It's like, for me, it was like, I'm giving, giving, giving. And like, how dare you not one day see that I need something? Like, as if that if I gave enough, maybe they turn and say, you know what, Kibby, you are invaluable to me. Um and I'm just so frustrated and angry when I don't get that. Like I even found out that that business partner who I was, you know, I was giving, giving, giving in so many different ways. Um he was when I got cancer, he was talking to people about what do I do if I don't make it? Like, what how could they make money around me? How could they, how could he like, how could he get rid of me? Telling people like, we don't know if she's gonna make it. We don't know if she's gonna be able to work. So how are we gonna make money? Let's figure out a a a backup plan and behind her back. I mean, I was devastating, but I remember when I heard that, I didn't feel surprised. It it it almost like it almost confirmed this deep fear that, oh, I'm only useful to people. I'm only valuable to people when I'm useful. And now, since I have cancer, I'm not useful. So I'm not valuable to people. They're gonna leave me. But then I'm like, wait, what about all the things that I gave you? Like, wasn't that enough? Didn't I buy, didn't I literally buy my way into not being rejected here? Um, can I take one vacation because I work so hard for the rest of the year? So that was just uh such an unhealthy cycle. And to be clear, I have so many people in my life who are not like that, who I feel like we I have a mutual back and forth, mutual giving and receiving. Um, but it real my attention really fixates. I'm like echo fixating on the narcissist. And it's been interesting to heal from that. I've been doing a lot of therapy, a little uh I've been doing this people-pleasing detox on my Instagram, um, meaning that I go through the different skills that I teach in cool a mind and really work on it myself for people-pleasing, like setting boundaries, paying attention to my own needs, um really connecting with what I value and having the instead of looking for external approval, look into my own internal approval of yeah, I am showing up the way that I value that way I feel that is important to me. So I've been really working on this and it's it's been it's been interesting just to watch it. Sometimes when you really heal from your stuff, it doesn't, it's not like it goes away. It probably will never go away, sadly, but you can catch it and you could watch it and say, oh, here I am doing that thing again. And let me let me choose to do something different. So, for example, as I'm going through this, a couple of weeks ago I went to a conference that was like mental health and um technology and all this cool stuff. And I sat down with a group of people who were all in the AI mental health space. And there was this one guy who just was like the show at the table. And he was like, he literally was giving everyone advice and telling everyone what his view of the, you know, the AI and mental health space is gonna look like. And he was just dominating, right? And I didn't even know who who that was, but immediately I took the position of Echo, and he was the narcissist. I looked up to him. I felt small in his in his presence. I want I immediately wanted to please him. That that and I noticed these one of these things when no noticing the triggers of your stuff is that what triggered that was he was talking about a topic that I know a lot about too. In fact, I knew more than he did for sure. Even when I was listening to him talk, he was like, you know, saying things, and I was like, I don't think that's right. I really don't think that's right. But he was saying it with such male confidence. And I jumped in to add to the conversation. I was like, actually, blah, blah, blah. And immediately he turned to the and looked to the rest of the table, turned away from me, and just started spouting off something else. Like he literally ignored what I said. And that moment was a trigger of like, oh God, he he's right. I'm nothing. That was so embarrassing that I said that. I just wanted to be helpful and give him, you know, some some perspective that could be helpful for him. I should probably find someone like him to advise me. And I had all these thoughts. I felt so bad about myself. And then we left the table and I was talking to other people at the table, the people I'm closer with, and immediately they all were like, that guy was such a dick, right? And it clicked right in that moment. I was like, yeah. Yeah, he was a dick. Him ignoring what I said, I immediately took like the the my automatic thought in that moment was, I'm not good enough, and I have to please this God, this pedestal, this authority figure. I'm I'm lowly and he is above me. But then everyone else at the table, who like knew a little bit more about who he was, were just like, that was really inappropriate behavior. How he just told everyone what he thought and ignored all of all of our input. Just that flip, I was like, oh my God, how quickly am I, how quickly do I put myself in that echo position? And I think one of the scariest parts about becoming 40 and getting older is that I just didn't realize how much I was addicted to being echo, being the people-pleasing echo. Because I spent all my life really enjoying this, but spending I love learning new things. So I would jump into something new, like yoga teaching or uh grad school, or you know, now I'm doing like content creation and building a business. I jump into new things and I really look for the authority, the authority figure that I could follow, like the the one who knows more than I do that I can learn from, that I could please, that I could learn so much that they will, they will think, wow, she's working so hard and she's learned so much. Like, good job, Kibbi, good job. So usually that is like a mentor, a coach, or teacher, or whoever is in that position of teaching me that skill. And all I want to is to get like the approval from that person. Um and really chronically, like I really go into situations and look for that. And that was the hardest part of this stage of my life and starting a business, is that I've been searching for anyone to be the narcissist, to be the one I look up to, to be the authority figure. I did it with that business partner, and so I was like doing everything to prove to him that I could learn and be a good, you know, colleague or whatever. Um, but then I quickly realized that he didn't know what he was talking about. And then it happened over and over again. And there became a point where my people-pleasing itch was looking for someone to look up to. But I realized now that I I'm that person right now, like I'm the authority figure. It's so scary and horrible to say, but I'm 40 and I've done a lot in my life, and a lot of the things I'm doing now. Yes, I'm still learning so much, but there's no teacher in the room anymore. There's no adult in the room. I'm the adult. The person that I should be focusing on pleasing is me. I keep looking for someone to know better, and sometimes it's like, oh, whoever male is like confidently saying something, I'm like, oh, yes, that investor knows better about how to build the business than I do. And I'm just like, after a while, I keep getting that moment after that dinner where there's like that guy was a dick. It's like, wait a minute, just because someone positions themselves as the narcissist, as the authority figure, doesn't mean they actually know more than I do. And pleasing that person, like, you know, like bowing down and trying to please them is not gonna get me anywhere. In fact, it makes me smaller. It it pushes down what I know and what I can give. And then I get resentful that I'm not seen. What am I doing? See myself. I'm the authority figure now. So that's been really sobering. And that's really like that's not an easy transition when I get to the point where I'm like, I'm the adult now. So, you know, like here's to my 40s, where I could come into myself a little bit more, and I'm facing a lot of the fears that in the research shows people pleasers are afraid of, which is attention on them. Because attention, it's interesting why that's so terrifying for the echoes, for the people pleasers, having attention on them is really scary. And I don't know what the research says about why, but for me, if I'm with someone who loves attention and loves giving and receiving, like the narcissist, if attention is brought to me, if someone pays attention to me and praises me over them, they get upset. There are there have been times when I've actually hid accomplishments or things that I know, or something that is like would attention worthy because I'm afraid that my narcissist would get upset, would feel uh and then it would be like, oh, then I would have to just like placate them and praise them so they don't feel jealous and to protect them from like the envy um or feeling challenged. I just stuffed down my accomplishments, like made myself literally small. Um I'm not gonna do that anymore. I I mean, it's even a small move in that direction where I took a course on personal branding to try to get the word out there and making me the face of a lot of things that I'm doing, this content, this podcast, right, doing this by myself. And honestly, like literally talking to you right now, I'm terrified. I feel like anxiety in my stomach. And I literally have the thoughts of people are not gonna like this. Not you guys. Like, honestly, you know, I love it when you little helpers tell me when you like things or not like things because it, you know, I want, I want to please you. I've I want to do, I want, I, I, none of my self-worth is wrapped around that. I want to talk about the things that are helpful to you. But I am afraid of other people who um are the people that I admire and look up to, and and they'll think, what is she doing? Why is she stepping into the spotlight? That should be mine. So I'm having those thoughts and I'm doing this anyway. I'm doing exposure therapy on people pleasing and trying to take up a little bit more space, even though this feels horrible. And as soon as I take up space like this and put myself in the center, so to speak, my immediate fear is, well, now I'm first of all, that the narcissists are gonna hate me and gonna feel like I'm taking over their territory of attention. But then also I feel like I'm gonna have to become a narcissist, someone who's like, look at me, look at me. I love having attention on me. And that doesn't feel true to me. That doesn't feel there's a part of that doesn't feel genuine. And I'm like, okay, in my mind, it's only this echo and narcissist syndrome where there's one of two roles that you can inhabit. Either the narcissist who loves attention, who's the front man of the band, who is the star. And then there's the the sidekick, the the person, the manager, the person who who makes it all happen behind the scenes and makes them happy, the echo, right? And you could be one or one or the other. You could either be a people pleaser or you could be selfish. And I'm so afraid that not people pleasing as much means that I'll become selfish. And I really have to remind myself that that's not right. There can be more than that. There could be some I could embody a giving, empathetic, nurturing spirit without clinging on to the idea that I need attention for myself. I need to be looked at, I need to be found beautiful and special and amazing. Like that's what narcissist would think. But I can give and say, you know, here, here is what I can give you. Here is how I can love generously. And I'm not gonna do that for someone who just sees me as an attention vending machine. I'm gonna actually do that for people who I feel like gives back. I mean, yesterday, my birthday, first of all, my husband made this amazing, amazing birthday party where um every year, since my birthday is December 22nd, most people go away for my birthday, right? They're traveling to go home. But uh so for my actual birthday, I'm used to just going out with my family to the latest Christmas movie Blockbuster that's out, and just doing like a small family thing. So going to big blockbuster movies was like my my my tradition for my birthday. My husband rented out a private theater with and invited all of my friends who were here. Um, and we had dinner and we watched Back to the Future, which was set in 1985. Um so it was just like such a wonderful, I felt so seen and so loved. Um, and and then the the next day, my friend took me to a spa day. Like I just mentioned that I love spas and massages, and she booked like a whole afternoon for the two of us of to get massages and um just hang out. And it was just and then my mom took me out to dinner that night. It really was just uh so lovely to detox from people pleasing and be like, oh, look, people want to please me. There are other people who I give to, hopefully, and they're giving back to me. I I have to admit that as a people pleaser, I noticed how much I felt guilty. Like as soon as Alex, you know, my husband arranged all that stuff. I thought, oh my god, what do I do for him? I gotta make it just as good or not better. And then with my friend, I was like, oh my god, I can't believe she's paying for this. This is like, is she gonna hate me or resent me for this? Is it is this okay? So I had to have to battle with that res with the conflict with receiving as a people pleaser. And that must be part of the healing that I have to be like, okay, if I'm gonna give to my friends, I gotta also receive. And trust that the right people won't hate me for that, won't resent me that they had to give to me and prioritize me for once. I could say for sure that there are other friends that I've had, other partners who wouldn't do that. Who wouldn't just give, give, give and just go, I just want you to be happy. They might have given me something, but they would also, there's a part of them that would want the recognition or the the return and and bold. And you know, I actually think about it, those people wouldn't actually give to me in that same way. So it's not like I'm gonna stop pleasing people. I'm gonna stop people pleasing. Meaning I'm gonna stop just giving in hopes that it would protect me from rejection and abandonment. I'm going to look for situations where giving is an expression of love to someone. And that person's love for me is not dependent on what I give. And another way to that I'm healing from people pleasing is also learning to say no. There are so many demands and things that people ask me to do, as like with all of us, we're all overwhelmed. And the feeling of saying no is so terrifying because I just because I always I always overestimate my capacity. I'm like, oh yeah, sure. I, you know, I could do it. I it's gonna be hard and I don't really want to do it, but I'll just go ahead and do it just because it'll make them happy. You know, like, oh, for example, I had a friend who uh I was paying, I uh offered to pay for something for them. And um they ended up spending, they ended up ordering a lot more of I I can't say the details because I would give away to the person who this is, but it was it ended up being a lot more expensive than I thought. And I, instead of me saying, oh, this is actually not what I signed up for, this is not what I offered, um, I'm willing to, you know, pay for the amount that I said. Um, I just paid it. I just paid it because I was like, it's they're gonna be mad at me for saying no, um, even though this is not what I agreed to. Like, I'll just, I'll just do it. I'll pay the whole bill. Um, and I did it. And then I look back, I'm like, what was I doing? Like, I offered to pay for $600 and I ended up paying like $3,500. Uh, and that person was just like, oh, here's the here's the invoice. And it it it it I mean, it's kind of on them, but it was on me to say no. I'm only gonna pay for $600. That's what I offered him first. So I really need to do that more. I need to say no and not just say yes because. Because it's easier or it avoids conflict. Um and the right people will see that saying no and being honest about what I need is something that they care about. So the change I'm making is I'm going to treat my needs as important, right? Set boundaries, say no, um, give, but also receive. Say thank you for this amazing birthday gift. And to keep doing that and treating myself in that way. And then the right people will be drawn to me. I the my new friends, the people that I've met recently through this healing process are so such like generous, lovely people. Um, I have so many people in my life who are just like my husband who are just so generous and empathetic and wonderful. And that's where I should focus the people pleasing. Sorry, no, not even the focus of the people pleasing. I should focus my giving energies on them and stop people pleasing, which is a trauma fear response. Right? Because there will be people out there who make that fear come true, who would who would reenact that trauma, who receive, receive, receive, receive, receive, get attention, and then as soon as the attention stops, okay, good, bye. You're no longer my narcissistic supply, get out of here. Um, or why why not? Or why would you do this? Right? Getting the outrage from them when you stop like giving, giving, giving. Those people are falling away out of my life. And I have an urge to try to fill that hole again, like look for another narcissist that I could please and and approve and um perform for and give and everything. But my healing is to not fill that hole anymore and to fill it with people who are also givers. So that is what I'm working on for my 40s. If any of you are also going through this, I'd love to hear from you. You could always click on the um send us a message on that um in the top of the show notes, and you can send a text. I can't email back in that feature, but you can um tell me how you're also detoxing from people pleasing. And I think this is a really important topic for the holidays right now because this is a time where, yeah, you're gonna have to probably people please today, tomorrow, the next day. If you're in your old family situation, you have to keep the peace because everyone wants to have a nice Christmas. And so the people pleasing is gonna be high. That makes sense. Sometimes we gotta it's coping, all coping strategies or coping mechanisms are effective for certain contexts, right? If you just need to get through, get through a situation, sure, people please, right? Put your needs aside, focus on other people, do it. But then realize that that is not a long-term strategy. You can't sacrifice your needs over and over again and think that everything's gonna be fine or that you won't feel resentful, you won't feel burnt out. So I'm wishing all of you a really lovely holiday season. I would love to also hear from you. So please reach out to me. You could also find me on I've I've started this new account, Dr. Kibby, D-R-K-I-B-B-Y, on Instagram. And so find me on Instagram there. Uh, and then please reach out to me. DM me, um, email me. I love hearing from all of you. And also, I'm so excited because in next year in uh 2026, we're doing a whole revamp of Coolamind. So far, we've had such an amazing group of people who are all willing to work on their people pleasing, right? Learning how to notice those needs and set boundaries and everything like that. And I just, it's just such a special place that this community has created. So we're doing all sorts of new things in in 2026. We are coming out with a mobile app, we're adding new features, we're having new guests, and for the podcast, um, we're gonna have more guests to talk about parenting teens or dealing with someone with schizophrenia or um other types of narcissistic abuse that we're healing from. So there's gonna be so much more in 2026, and I really want to grow with all of you. So I wish you happy holidays and happy new year. And you can give to me, you could support me by sharing this, sharing this with the people who in your life would benefit from this. I know I love it when people say, Oh my gosh, like I sent this to a friend and or sent this to a family member, and you know gave us inspiration for how to deal with a difficult family member and stuff like that. And if you've enjoyed this so far, please leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. And tell me what you want. Tell me more of what you want to see in this next phase of the podcast. Happy holidays, and I'll see you next week. By accessing this podcast, you acknowledge that the host of this podcast makes no warranty, guarantee, or representation as to the accuracy or sufficiency of information featured in this podcast. 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