Ep. 196- How I Married My Wedding Officiant: My Story of Building My Dream Family
In this episode, Dr. Kibby shares her deeply personal story of infertility, attachment trauma, and the unexpected path that led her to motherhood.
How do you build a family when the journey doesn’t go the way you planned? And what happens when control, willpower, and even the best-laid plans aren’t enough? In this honest and vulnerable episode, Dr. Kibby opens up about the heartbreak, uncertainty, and inner work that shaped her path to becoming a mother. She explains why trusting her gut became the turning point in her journey, and how letting go of rigid expectations made space for something greater than she imagined. Along the way, she reveals how attachment trauma influenced her relationships, how emotional safety and vulnerability became essential, and why infertility is so much more complex than most people realize. She talks about the limits of pure logic when it comes to family, the role of intuition in life-changing decisions, and how faith, surrender, and resilience can help us move through the unknown.
Whether you’re navigating fertility challenges, relationship pain, or simply trying to trust yourself more deeply, this episode offers compassion, insight, and hope.If you’ve ever wondered whether you should keep pushing, let go, or trust your inner voice, this conversation will meet you where you are. You’ll leave with a new perspective on motherhood, healing, and the surprising ways a family can come together.
Resources:
Need help dealing with a difficult family member who's struggling with mental health? Dr. Kibby can help through her program KulaMind
Dr. Kibby telling the story of The Story Collider
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Hi guys, welcome to A Little Help for Our Friends, a podcast for people with loved ones struggling with mental health.
Welcome back, little helpers.
Today I'm going to do something a little different.
This episode is going to be a little different than the norm.
0:15
I'm going to tell a story because tonight, in just a couple hours, I'm going to go downtown in New York to get on a stage and tell one of the most personal stories that I have, which is how I married my wedding officiant.
0:37
There's also a story that talks about my fertility journey and what I've learned and what I've learned about becoming a mother.
Now, I know that some of you probably have listened to my previous episodes and heard me told me tell parts of the story, but this is the first time I'm going to tell it all in one go.
0:58
And you could tell, maybe tell that I'm a little nervous.
But I'm going to rehearse it here and just tell the story as I remember it and hope that when I get on stage, I'll remember my words and not just freeze up.
1:16
But I wanted to take this time just kind of delve into it and really live the story first.
And it really is just the really unexpected way that I became a mother and the really unexpected way that I lived and learned what it means to build a family.
1:38
I have studied it a lot from the academic side.
You know, I've thought a lot about this because I've always wondered what happens when you have a broken attachment, when you grow up in a home where you feel like neglected or abused or that you couldn't really rely on your caregivers or your family, maybe your family have mental illness or addiction.
2:08
But usually when you come from such a background like that, it's what we call an attachment trauma, right?
Relational trauma.
So coming from my background like that, I've always wondered like, well, then how do we build a family?
2:24
Like what?
What does work?
What makes sense?
How, how do you do this?
And I've really had to unlearn a lot of the coping mechanisms I had to help me survive through earlier times in my life and actually had to learn what it means to build a family in a secure attachment.
2:43
So I'm going to go through the story.
I'm probably going to mess up a lot, but I'm going to give the kind of the unfiltered version here.
So I'll start by saying that I used to believe that willpower was everything.
2:59
I really believe that if I worked hard, put in the effort, sacrifice, that I could earn most things in life that I wanted, right?
Just like I earned my way into the Duke PhD program when I was becoming clinical psychologist and before and after, I was like, you know, the perfect student, working really hard.
3:20
I was glued to my laptop for 12 hours a day, every single day.
Sound exaggeration, trying to do all the things, write the papers, see the patients, right?
Like really work hard.
And up until that point, I had poured everything into building a career because that was the thing that was most important to me.
3:42
But when I turned 30, that's when my biological clock started to tick.
And I was like, oh, OK, time to make a family.
Now it's time for me to go all in on that.
And it seemed like everything was going to plan when I'll call him Danny, but you probably know his name from previous episodes.
4:04
But Danny, my college ex-boyfriend, he came back into my life.
I hadn't seen him since college really.
We're a little bit after, but it had been years since we've been in contact.
And he was like the one who got away, the one that I pined over, that I always felt like not good enough.
4:20
And he always like helped me at a distance.
So when he came back into my life, at a mutual friend's wedding, he told me that I was the only woman he's ever really loved.
And I was skeptical, but I said, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm not going to entertain this unless you're ready to commit, unlike before, if you're ready to have a family and get married, that's where I'm at.
4:45
So you don't want that.
That's cool.
I just can't, I just can't take that risk.
And he said everything that I wanted to hear that he's ready for a family and kids.
He is willing to move to be with me, move states.
And he was training to be a pediatrician.
5:01
So like cha ching, like it felt like, oh wow, this was perfect, at least on paper.
But I always even from the very start of that, I had gut feeling that this wasn't right.
I was skeptical.
5:16
I kept ignoring that though.
So when he did move into my house, he moved states to be with me and he had a really hard time.
He got, you know, in trouble in his residency program.
I had a really hard time finishing.
So he decided he didn't want to be a doctor anymore and he moved in with me and then said, you know what, I'm just going to take a sabbatical just for like 2-3 months so I could find myself that sabbatical last for a better part of four years.
5:51
He did have some, some jobs during that time, but for the most part, it was like he was just so steeped in his burnout from his training or, you know, life crisis that he said he could only recover by like taking a break.
6:09
And most of that was him sitting in my basement playing guitar and smoking weed for like most of those four years.
I the thing that I had a really hard time trying to understand was, is this a heart?
6:24
Is this just a rough patch, right?
Like I've certainly gone through this many people when they go through existential crises and there are the crossroads, they're like, I'm not sure what I want to do.
I need some time to pause or reflect.
It could be kind of like a low, but then some people get out of it.
6:42
So I thought it was that.
I thought, you know, he's going through a hard time, he's recovering, he's burnt out and we'll work through it.
But then that's that two to three months sabbatical, like four months and five months.
And I would ask, you know, are you, what's your next steps?
6:58
Are you getting a job and, you know, want to contribute to the household in any way?
And he kept saying, well, I'm, you know, I'm anxious and I'm still thinking about all these different things.
And it was a lot of like ideas, but without any follow through or like a little follow through.
But then he would just, I don't know what I honestly, to this day, I don't know what happened.
7:15
It would just like he would open up an application for a job and then I just didn't know what happened.
So it was like I was kind of left in the dark and it was these unproductive fights where we would I would ask him what's going on.
7:31
He would say, oh, you're right.
I've been, I've been procrastinating, I've been avoiding.
I will get back on this.
And then a couple weeks go by and nothing would change.
So I learned to kind of stop asking and to stop just bringing it up because it wasn't going anywhere.
7:47
I was just going to make him more anxious.
I was, you know, kind of walking on egg shells in that way, as well as paying all the bills.
I was, you know, taking care of the house and the food.
Also doing my master's thesis.
8:03
Like, I'm still doing grad school.
So I felt like, OK, I just have to hold on until this horrible stage passes.
And I even had to cognitive dissonance myself to convince myself that this was working.
8:20
This is this was OK, this is what I wanted.
The reality was so different from what we planned or or wanted that I was like, maybe this is OK.
Instead, I'm the career woman who can do everything and he's can be the stay at home.
So I was telling myself stories to just make this OK because I was like determined to will this family into existence.
8:42
So much so that we got married in 2018 and immediately we started to try to get pregnant because I thought, well, you know, like the marriage might need some working out.
But kids will fix everything, don't they?
8:59
I know stupid now, but I just, I just was so desperate to make this work and I was like who am I to question a kind loyal person who wants to be with me and start a family with me?
9:14
Am I really going to let you know the job situation or his existential crisis get in the way?
So we tried to have a baby and I was shocked when we couldn't get pregnant.
I mean it was months and months.
9:30
I was like OK, it takes some time.
Then after a while I was like what is going on?
Of course I type aid it right?
I applied my type A's good student personality to reproduction.
So I went on all the Internet and went down the rabbit holes of fertility research and it's really shocking how little we know about fertility.
9:57
I could not believe that we don't know a lot of reasons why some of us can't get pregnant.
We have some things that we know, but there's a lot of mystery involved.
And that was so shocking to me.
10:13
I mean, the the science shows that it's majority is the woman's fault, right?
Which I feel like it's a horrible bias in science, right?
We're like pointing, pointing the finger at women, but don't.
But I still was like, OK, I'm going to do everything I can to follow the rules and make this work.
10:32
So I measured my temperature every day.
I scheduled sex.
Very romantic.
I had it took the right supplements, exercise, try to cut down on this food and that food and you know, whatever.
I try to do all the things every single day.
10:48
Thinking about it, it was the cycle of disappointment.
I would the two weeks leading up to trying, I was doing all the things, measuring, eating, exercising, praying, not praying, being spontaneous, whatever.
And then we would try and then I'd have hope and then it would be negative.
11:08
The test would be negative.
So that would be over and over again.
I just, it was heartbreaking every time and every time I was every time I thought, what's wrong with me?
What's wrong with me?
What's going on?
Well, like, why can't I do this?
11:24
I'm doing all the right things.
Why can't I do this?
The only thing I really found that men could do to help fertility is abstain from marijuana.
So it was pretty much like one of the few things that science points to as a how men contribute to infertility.
11:43
So I was like, OK, Danny, come Danny, can you please just not smoke, smoke weed before we we try again?
And I had started to take some, you know, fertility medications.
12:01
And I remember being in the kitchen.
It was such a hard couple weeks because the medication that I was taking to help me ovulate was making me into a crazy person.
Like, I've never experienced this before, but I was having looping thoughts of hurting myself.
12:19
I knew it was the drugs because it was like, once I took it, I would have these thoughts and it was so scary and so hard.
I was like, what is happening?
This is terrifying.
But I was holding myself together and I was like, I'll do anything I can to make this work, to have this baby.
So I was standing in the kitchen just kind of, you know, getting on with my evening, trying to hold myself together.
12:41
And then Danny was in the basement hanging out with a friend.
And when he came up to the kitchen, the first thing I saw was his eyes and his eyes were bloodshot.
And then a moment later the smell of smoke in my nose.
13:01
And I was just, I was heartbroken.
And as soon as he saw my face, he started apologizing perfuse like Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
I forgot.
And it almost made it worse because I was like, I was putting my body and mind through hell every single day thinking about this every single minute, changing anything I could.
13:24
And he got the luxury to just let it slip his mind.
I really, really needed a partner in this.
And it was moments like that that felt like I'm alone.
I'm carrying this burden alone.
So I went to see one of the best fertility doctors I'd do.
And I was like, so excited to put my hands in to the care of like the best that academia had to offer.
13:47
But it actually was more depressing than I anticipated.
I was alone in their first appointment and he was just rattling off these really scary statistics and really high prices of all the treatments that were coming up.
14:04
And I was just sitting there stunned silently.
And I said, is there anything wrong with me?
Like, will I ever have kids?
And he looked me dead in the eye and said, I think there's a 0% chance that you're going to get pregnant naturally.
14:20
I remember having to hold back my tears until I got to my car.
And I got in my car and I stopped driving home.
I called my best friend Alex.
We have been best friends since freshman year of college.
And we lived on opposite sides of the country.
14:37
He was in California and I was in North Carolina at the time, but we still were each other's confidants.
Whenever we were stressed out or had a bad time, we'd call each other and just felt like home to me to the point where he officiated my wedding to Danny.
14:53
So he, I told him what happened and he was like, you know, I know you got to be a mother.
I have faith.
And I remember just wishing that I could have the same faith that he did.
So a couple months later, Danny and I started the IVF cycle and we wanted to have one last hurrah before we did it.
15:13
So we did mushrooms.
And of course, like perfect student, I was planning even as I'm doing drugs.
But I plan that we will remove the emotional blocks that were preventing us from becoming parents, and we probably connect and emerge as a unit.
15:30
But instead, I actually slipped into this really unexpected, beautiful journey of my own.
I remember closing my eyes, lying down on the couch for hours, and I heard this voice deep within me.
It was my voice, but it was older and wiser.
15:50
And it said, you know, life is maternal energy, this maternal love that gives birth to every living thing in the universe.
But you can't control it.
You can't grip it, force it or willpower it.
16:07
You just have to let it do its thing.
You have to trust it.
And when you do that, people are going to come and go.
Some will be called by it and some will be scared and run away from it.
And something to do about that.
So I woke up from that beautiful trip and I felt this deep sense of peace and confidence.
16:26
And I, and I interpreted that feeling as, OK, it's going to work this time, I'm going to get pregnant.
A couple days before the embryo transfer, I was talking to Danny and he, Danny was advising a friend who was having marital issues of his own.
16:43
Actually, ironically, they were having IVF struggles that they were arguing a lot.
And Danny was like, Oh yes, it was just so great to support him because I told him you just need to listen to what your wife needs and really show up for her.
Just do anything you can just show up for her.
17:00
And I just sat there listening and I could feel all of my resentment I was pushing down for years.
I felt it all rushed my face, this raging white hot rage.
And I was like, how could you advise your friend to do something that I've been begging you to do for four years?
17:21
That's what I wanted from you.
And in that moment, I felt done.
I really did felt feel done.
We separated and I explained like, we are just not in this place.
We are not in the place to be a team and build this family together.
17:40
We're not good and I don't think we ever will be good.
And so we separated and I mean, it was kind of a longer story than that because he had hopes that we'd get back together and even miraculously found a job right in that month that we were separated and was like, OK, great, we'd get back together.
18:00
But I said like, no, it's, there's, there's too much feelings of betrayal that I had.
And I just didn't feel like we're on the same page.
I didn't feel like we had the same values.
And that was really difficult because I had realized that it wasn't just about a job.
18:19
Like it wasn't like if you went back to work, it would all be fine.
It was that I didn't feel held in this relationship.
I didn't feel safe.
I didn't feel like I could rely on this partner.
Even when he was, you know, not working at home.
18:35
I was doing most of the stuff in the household.
So I always being with him always felt like everything was on my back.
I hadn't the most the emotional labor.
He was the fun one.
Well, I was the one who did all the stuff.
And although I love feeling useful and I take on that role a lot, it felt exhausting and really lonely.
18:56
So it wasn't like, oh, if he just got a job and he fixed, it was like, how did I feel with this person?
And I didn't feel like what I wanted to feel when building a family, which is that I had an equal partner that I can trust.
So we divorced, we separated and then and then took a long time to divorce.
19:16
And it was a terrifying time because I was 34 turning 353435, really wanted a family.
And then I was single.
I had never dated in my life.
It's crazy.
I never dated on the apps or anything like that.
19:35
Most of my boyfriends and relationships were just people that I knew and my my friends, you know.
So I was like 34, had to start over, wanted a family.
And it was the pandemic.
Like I think we separated in October of 2020.
So I was alone.
19:53
And I mean like months and months in my apartment alone not seeing another human being except for Zoom.
And I was doing internships, so doing Zoom therapy and then just being but alone at night was horrible.
But then in the summer of 2021, Lex came to spend the summer with me.
20:13
He had a remote job and he was like, I'm going to come and visit you and spend some time.
I know you're going through a hard time.
So he came and we spent a couple weeks together in Airbnb.
It was like super fun with also our other friend and I remember that we went to see a newborn baby of a friend who just gave birth.
20:38
I remember watching him as he held this baby in his hands so gently and his face was just his face just lit up and he was talking softly to the baby.
And I noticed for the first time that he just such a natural caregiver.
20:58
He's just so good making people feel safe and cared for without, you know, just naturally without making that obvious.
So I saw that and on our cab ride home, he started to cry.
21:15
He started to talk about, you know, I'm, I think we're about to start these new chapters in our lives, start our own families.
And we live so far apart from each other that we're going to drift apart as friends.
And he was crying, and I instinctively reached out to touch his face in a way that I hadn't before.
21:35
I was like this very intimate moment.
And I think that was the moment that really shifted us out of the friend zone.
Shortly after that, a couple weeks later, it's funny because we ended up there was something that shifted with us and we ended up both calling the same mutual friend to tell her about our budding feelings.
22:00
You know, he called her and was like, I think I like Kibby.
I don't know, you know, I, I don't know what to do with these feelings.
And I did the same thing the next day without realizing it.
I was like, I think I'm, I'm having feelings for Alex.
I think there's something going on with this, but it's weird.
And she like gently ushered us to to, you know, to address it to, she was hinting to both of us that we should connect over it.
22:25
And it took a long time because I think we're just so terrified to risk this really important friendship.
I mean, he was like my best friend.
Like whenever, like all throughout our other relationships, we'd be the person like that we would call for support, confide in or whatever.
22:43
So it's like we were risking a really important relationship in our lives.
Finally, he made the first move.
And I get to say that because this is my story.
He's he would say something different, but he made the first move and then it was just clear that, you know, so scary, but it felt right.
23:03
There's something that felt right about being together and we were together.
And I, the, the part that really was hard to talk to him about was, I mean, he's seen the fertility struggles that I've been through.
He was like on the phone with me, right?
23:19
He, he, he knew how hard this was for me.
And I was like, it's going to be a long road.
You know, we, we're old, we got it, not old, but you know, we time, is it ticking?
I don't know what my fertility is all about.
I, I, I think that we should start trying and it's probably going to end up in IVF if anything.
23:40
So I was really scared because I remember feeling like I'm going to bring my brokenness to him.
I would taint him with my broken uterus or ovaries or whatever, right.
So I was like, I'm going to have to put him through the misery of infertility.
23:55
First month that we tried, I remember I was at a Bachelorette, no, an engagement party at in Napa and I just like didn't feel like drinking that much.
And then I realized period is late and I was with Alex.
24:18
We were in North Carolina.
And I remember, I thought, I need to know the answer.
I need to know if I'm pregnant.
I drove early in the morning by myself to a pharmacy.
And I remember I was, I was, I was driving.
I thought to myself these might be the last moments I have to just myself before I become a mother.
24:40
When I had that thought, I knew that I already knew I was pregnant.
But I got the pregnancy test, went to my bathroom, waited, and when I saw the test turn positive, I burst into both laughter and tears.
24:59
I just had a few moments to myself to process and I just cried.
I just felt this tremendous relief that this horrible, painful, demoralizing journey has come to an end.
And I was starting a whole new one whole new chapter.
25:19
It just sometimes, sometimes in life, you know, when you're in a moment where you're at a crossroads, right, where you're at a milestone and you're like, things are going to be different from now on.
And that was that moment for me.
I was like, oh God.
And of course, I told him he was like, I told you, I told you, you get pregnant.
25:38
So it's a funny response for him.
But.
And now every time Alex and I fight with our beautiful son or three-year old, it's just a handful.
But every time we fight to get his teeth brushed or to give a space when we're working or just every time we have to wrestle with this kid, I have to remind myself that motherhood is not about willpower.
26:03
It's about trusting your gut and making space for the life that's already trying to find me.
So that's my story about how I became a mother.
It was totally unexpected.
I couldn't have planned it.
I couldn't have anticipated it.
26:20
I don't for the life of me know what happened, right?
I don't know exactly what happened or what were right, what went wrong, whether it was something medical or by chance, or whether it's something existential and spiritual.
But I think for me it was just about trusting my gut and I needed to trust my gut about who I had a family with and to feel safe, I loved and cared for as I was building a family of my own.
26:49
So I know it's not the typical episode where I give tips or a summary of research, but I really appreciate you all listening.
I know that a lot of you out there struggled with infertility or not being sure with their partner or wanting a family and not knowing how to build it.
27:08
And I just want to say that I know what that feels like.
And sometimes, sometimes it's just about letting go.
It's the hardest thing to do, but sometimes it just takes some trust and being open to what feels right.
27:24
Please give us a five star rating on Apple Podcast and Spotify.
It really helps us.
And send this to a friend or someone you know who just needs to hear this, who needs to hear a story of hope.
And I will see you all next week.
27:40
Thank you so much.
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28:07
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28:33
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28:52
Thank you.